Room 101

July 19, 2013July 19, 2013 Jayne9 Comments

The epic and generally wonderful Mummy Barrow has tagged me in a meme (one which I was secretly hoping to be tagged in, if I’m honest) based on the TV show Room 101 and meme-ified into blogging history by Helen at Stickers, Stars and Smiles (who is also epic and wonderful). I love the concept of the TV show and am pleased to be able to finally watch it again after they got rid of Paul ‘I’m an unfunny skin-flute’ Merton, who I cannot abide but won’t stoop to waste one of my Room 101 spots on.

So, without further ado, here are the three things, or three sets of people as it transpires, that I would place in my very own Room 101.

People Who Don’t Pick Up Their Dog Shit

Why is it that some people want to own dogs but refuse to pick up their excrement? Is there anything worse than stepping in the freshly-lain cable of someone elses hound? Actually, yes, it’s worse when you’re walking your own dog and have stooped to pick up their shit, in the manner of all decent dog owners, and go on to step in something left by someone else. And don’t even get me started on the absolute mother f*ckers who bag it and then DROP THE SHIT FILLED BAG. I think I hate these people because they think that they’re beyond scooping, to which my answer would be “Well, don’t get a fucking dog then!”. If you want a dog, there are certain responsibilities that go along with it and scooping poop is one of them.

People Who Believe Everything They Read in The Daily Mail

Look, I know The Daily Mail looks like a real newspaper; it’s made of paper and has something pretending to be news in it. Unfortunately, that’s where the similarities stop. The stuff that’s printed in The Daily Mail is generally, in a news sense, on par with what was left on the pavement in the point above. So why, oh why, are people still being sucked in by it’s jingoistic, anti-everything bollocks? Do you really believe that people on benefits are living the high life or that evil immigrants are taking over our country and breeding us out? Or maybe, just maybe, you’re a terminally outraged peanuthead and the crap in The Daily Fail fits in with your narrow way of thinking, helping you to feel justified in the fact that you’re a complete bigot.

People Who Say “I Don’t Like…” Before They’ve Even Tried It

I have one question for the people who do this: HOW DO YOU KNOW?

How can you possibly ever claim to not like something if you’ve never tried it? This mainly applies to food, because there are obviously legitimate circumstances that would let you know that you wouldn’t like a particular experience (deathly fear of heights? You probably won’t like base jumping then, and I’ll let you off of having to prove it). But if you’re THAT much of a baby that you’d rather not even put something in your mouth and taste it before you rule it out of your life completely, then you deserve to only consume lukewarm tap water and the protein-gruel that the eat on the Nebuchadnezzar in The Matrix for the rest of your boring, dull life.

I now tag the following people to give me their entries to Room 101:

Michael at Essex Outlaw

Cas at Mummy Never Sleeps

Clare at Seasider in the City

Dirty Flaps and Other Things That Get on my Nerves.

July 29, 2012December 6, 2013 JayneLeave a comment

Lately, I’ve noticed that there are little things which really niggle at me, minor annoyances that have been making the top of my head blow off like a volcano (well, almost…) so I thought I’d list them here as a sort of catharsis.

1. People Who Get To The Till at the Supermarket Then Act Surprised That They Have To Pay.

Okay, long-winded title which more or less explains itself, but what the merry FUCK is it with people who do that? You’re in a shop. Unless you plan on committing petty larceny, the chances are you’ll be paying once your goods are rung up. So why oh WHY do people wait until every last item is put away and the checkout operator is looking at them with keen expectancy do these numpties only then get their purse or wallet out. And don’t even get me started on Nectar cards/Clubcards/Advantage cards. I’m so sick of getting stuck behind some tit in a trance who contributes towards making my life at least 10% less efficient.

Look at my filthy flap.

2. Dirty Flaps.

Yep, I hate it when my flaps get dirty.

Okay, so I mean the flaps on the top of my bins. We have two bins, side by side in the kitchen, one for recycling, one for everything else (when the council bother to deliver red sacks, but that’s a different rant entirely) and no matter how many times a day I wipe them down, they always seem to be covered in schmutz. I don’t know what the solution is, but it hacks me off.

3. Discounts That Aren’t Really a Discount.

Last week, Husband took me out to buy me a new laptop and we went to our local PC World as it had a closing down sale on. I found a laptop I wanted which was an ex-display model and seemed to have a really good amount chopped off. Then the salesman came over and, Zombie Jesus bless him, he was very honest and told us that the original price of five hundred and something was only charged for about a week and that it was really worth £299. Right, so let me get this straight. The laptop was only ever worth £299 and has been on display for six months and you’re still charging £269 for it? Jog. On. £30 off for having a million sausage-fingered morons stabbing at it every time the shop opened? Nuhthanks….

4. Bad Drivers.

I know I blogged about this one before, but the fuckwittery I’ve encountered seems to be worsening. The other day, I was driving through a car park and stopped to let a person back out of a disabled space and the person behind me tried to overtake and almost ploughed into the side of the car backing out. I mean, really? Was that bloke in SUCH a rush that he needed to take that risk? I also had a grown man literally screaming out of the window at me while I had Sausage in the car for not pulling out quick enough (just for the record, I pulled out plenty quick enough). What possesses grown people to behave this way?

Yeah. Course you were…

5. Bourgeois Bigotry.

I’m not the biggest fan of the Olympics, it has to be said, but when twats like Aiden Burley MP start going on about the opening ceremony (which, incidentally, was absolutely bloody brilliant and I’m SO proud to have a director like Danny Boyle as part of British culture) being “too multicultural”, what they’re really saying is “go home, darkies”, without actually having the balls to come out and say it. All I will say is, our opening ceremony would have been extremely drab and boring had we not Caribbean, Asian, African and all those other cultural influences mixed in to this melting pot of a country. Keep your veiled racism, it’s unpleasant and cowardly. Oh and also, Aiden, you twat – the Rolling Stones are blues musicians – where do you think blues comes from? Black America, maybe? So you like multiculturalism when it’s served up to you by four fellas from Kent?

Parenting

What’s in a name?

October 29, 2010 Jayne3 Comments

When I was pregnant with Sausage, I think I drove my husband a little bit mental with the name-choosing process. I pretty much ruled out any name which already belonged to anyone I had ever known, save for the potential of naming her after a relative. I also ruled out any names which gave her ridiculous initials, rhymed with anything which could be used against her (probably from years of being called Jayne the Pain/Bane/Drain by idiots with limited wit) or belonged to a celebrity who I found objectionable. I also ruled out any names which I felt may be prohibitive to her as an adult. Nobody wants to be treated by a Doctor or represented by a Lawyer with an overly twee name like Precious, surely?!

What I am trying to say is that we thought seriously hard about the name we gave her.

Which is why some people’s choice of name for their offspring really makes me see red.

My husband and I got married in the Maldives and on our way home, there was a kid on the plane, and it doesn’t help that he was an irritating devil-child with whom I was stuck in a pressurised metal tube for 11 hours, and his name was…wait for it…Skylash. Seriously.

I hope I don’t offend any of my readers, but I really feel that people should THINK about what they name their kids. Parents who choose certain names for their kids, just because they like it are utterly, utterly selfish, and deserve to be told such.

Let’s take Sarah Palin. Now, I know Palin bashing is a bit trendy at the moment, and I don’t give a shit about the crazy bitch’s politics, but she named her kids Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper. Aren’t those first two the names of classes taken in American high schools? I’m guessing she’s also never been to Bristol in England…if there was ever a place which you wouldn’t want to name your kid after, Bristol is high on the list.

I’m not going to do the whole “look at this list of ridiculous names that celebrities give their kids”, cause let’s face it, we’d be here all day.

But what is on the minds of these people, when they look at a tiny, beautiful, vulnerable baby and think “I know! I’ll name my kid Audio Science” (That’s Shannyn Sossamon’s son, just in case you wondered) Do they not worry about the bullying, the derision and the barriers that their kids will undoubtably face, because of their arrogance and their need to be different?

I know we can’t live in a world where everyone has the same name, and I wouldn’t want to, I enjoy and embrace diversity. But I think that when it comes to kids names, there is an extremely fine line between diversity and flat-out cruelty.

When we chose the name for Sausage that we were finally happy with, though it’s a traditional and old-fashioned name, we still received some opposition, people who thought she’d grow up to hate her name. And to an extent, I suppose I have to hold my hands up to a degree of that arrogance, the part of me that said “Well I like it, so I don’t care if anyone else does”. I guess that happens when anyone names a child, regardless of how popular or traditional the name is.

All I’m asking is that we at least give the kids a chance…you know?

I’d love to know where you all stand on this, do you think I’m being over the top, or do you agree? What is the strangest name you’ve heard? Have any of you given your kids out of the ordinary names, and faced adversity? Please comment and let me know!