Six Months

My Dad texted me today. It said “It’s exactly 6 months today since I lost my sweetheart”.

How can it possibly be six months already?

But I checked and it is. Six long months since we’ve heard Lorraine’s voice or seen her face. Six months since we held out hope, right until the last second. It’s sunk in now. Or at least, 99% of the time it’s sunk in. Then I’ll be sitting there and it’ll hit me like a ton of bricks. I can’t believe she’s gone.

I’ll always regret not spending more time with her, not getting to know her better, not putting in more effort. I feel guilty that I told my Dad that Sausage couldn’t call her ‘Nanny’ as she had two nannies already and it might confuse her, a ridiculous knee-jerk reaction of loyalty to my Mum. I feel guilty for not visiting more when she was ill.

I know that guilt is an empty and futile emotion, but it’s one that’s stuck with me over this past six months.

There have been times that I’ve worried about my Dad, worried about how he’s coping. There have been other times when I’ve looked him in the eye and been overwhelmed by sadness. Most of the time, I’m just so damn proud of the way he’s coped and the way he made a dying woman comfortable and happy. I can’t begin to imagine how he must feel, but I think his text speaks volumes.

“My Sweetheart”.

We miss you, Lorraine.

I’m doing Race for Life next month to raise money for Cancer Research. I want to do everything I can to be able to say that I contributed towards the effort to ridding our planet of this disease, once and for all. If you’d like to sponsor me, you can do so at Just Giving

10 thoughts on “Six Months

  1. I also wonder how my dad is doing. It’s been 7 weeks for us. In front of us he seems to be ok, but I often wonder how he is when he is alone. They were married for 38 years. I’m afraid to ask him because I know, I’ll start sobbing myself. How do you cope? How do you move on? I’m having a lot of difficulty with this lately. I wish I had told my mom how much she meant to me. I wish I had thanked her more for all she did for me. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother and I know “R” misses her terribly too.

    1. I’m so sorry Elaine, my own grief must be a fraction of yours, I can’t imagine how you must be feeling. I know it’s probably no comfort to you right now, but if I’ve learned anything from this, it’s not to take my family for granted as we don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m sure you feel the same too.

      I wish we didn’t have the Atlantic ocean between us, I’m sure our little families could provide great comfort to each other. Stay strong xxx

  2. Hugs to you Jayne. I think we all feel guilt after losing someone we love. Its just that horrible sense of missed opportunities that I hate the most. There are lots of things I wished I had done differently when my Mum was dying xxx

    1. Thanks, Mrs. S. My Grandad is ill at the moment and I’ve had a chance to spend some more one-on-one time with my Dad while travelling back and forth to Great Yarmouth, and having the chance to chat to him has really helped and I think it’s helped him too. I’m happy to have the chance to be there for him.

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