11 articles Tag humour

Is She REALLY a Domestic Goddess?!

drawer-dirtyEveryone has at least one friend or relative who makes them feel like utter rubbish when it comes to matters of the home. You know the type, they usually have a gaggle of children all of whom are studious AND sporty, perfectly coiffured hair, a Cath Kidston tablecloth on her scrubbed wooden table, which sits in the ‘heart of the home’ kitchen with the Aga and Le Creuset casserole dishes. She has a job but also manages to volunteer in a charity shop and chair the PTA at her kids’ school. She’s provides her family with gourmet, highly nutritious meals every night of the week and still manages to keep her home looking like it’s straight out of the pages of Country Living. Oh, and I bet the bitch makes all of her own dresses too. And she’s amazing in bed.

Well, I’ve got 5 surefire tests which will help you discover if this paragon of domestic virtue is really all she seems. The Domestic Goddess test, if you will.

1. Check her Plugs

Does she have those automatic plugs in any of her sinks, the ones where you pull a lever or twist a dial to get them to pop up and down? She does? Right…pull it all the way out. There’s a plastic cage around the bottom to stop large items from going down the sink. If this woman is a Housework Charlatan, her plug cages will be clogged with hair and soap. They may have even gone brown or black with the soap residue.

2. Open the Washing Machine Drawer

Pull her washing machine drawer open. Just like the plug cages, washing machine drawers can go reallllly black and gunky if you don’t rinse out the washing powder and fabric softener residue. Any self-respecting Domestic Goddess will know this, so if your mate has gunky drawers *ahem*, you know it’s all a front.

3. The Dust Test

Okay, so even a homemaking halfwit knows that dust is a dead giveaway when it comes to giving an impression of cleanliness. Most people, however, if they are a total bodger, will only bother with eye-level. You want to get up HIGH, do they have an 8-foot bookcase? Get your hand up there and run it along. I bet it’s dustier than a bricklayers back pocket.

4. Lift The Couch Cushions

Let’s face it, this woman probably has antique Chesterfields or something, but if she has a sofa with detachable cushions, lift up the seat pads and take a peek underneath. There could be a multitude of sins hiding under there and only a real domestic goddess would have remembered to vacuum in the nooks and crannies.

5. Turn on the Shower

Limescale. It’s a son of a bitch. We’ve all seen the Barry Scott magic where you spray Cilit Bang on your showerhead and the jets start miraculously coming our straight again, but have you ever actually bothered to do it? Maybe your pal hasn’t either. Turn on her shower. If it sprays you in the face at a 90° angle, she’s limescaled up the wazoo and probably a pretender to the Queen of Clean throne.

So, there you have it. Five surefire ways to make you feel better and to effectively derelict the reputation of your “Wishes She was Nigella/Kim/Aggie rolled into one” pal.

**Disclaimer: There’s a very good chance that if you go around someone else’s home turning their shower on, lifting the couch cushions or scaling their bookcase, you may not remain friends with the for very long. And if you do need to go to these lengths to make yourself feel better, maybe a good look inwards is what you need.

You’re a dirty bitch. Deal with it.

“Mummy, I don’t like looking in the mirror.”

Husband, Sausage and I popped into town today for a bit of a browse. We were having a mooch round TK Maxx and they’d walked off ahead of me but as I caught up, I saw Sausage do something that I found really disconcerting. As she noticed herself in the mirror, I saw her frown deeply and then turn away with a look of disgust on her face.

I mentioned to Husband what I’d seen and we both proceeded to question her on why she’d frowned like that, however she clammed up and started to get upset. My mind was racing with a combination of scathing indictments of modern society and the pressure placed on girls in terms of appearance, positive affirmations that I could give Sausage which both reassured her but stopped short of piling too much importance on aesthetic and blackout-inducing rage at the thought that someone may be responsible for damaging her confidence.

Husband was still trying to extract an explanation from her when she looked him straight in the eye and said:

“I don’t like my reflection Daddy, because it always copies me”.

How To Be British

I saw a newspaper headline yesterday and annoyingly enough, I can’t bloody well find it now. The general jist of it though was that a new study has shown that something like 75% of British people want immigration to be halted, especially Eastern Europeans (if anyone has the link, please hit me up with it in the comments). Now, to be fair, tabloids should generally be taken with a pinch of salt, so I’m not going to start doing an Uncle Albert-style intake of air, but I am surprised that it’s at 75%. I’m not sure about the demographics of the survey participants either, which is a factor.

However, in the spirit of giving, I thought I’d give any Eastern Europeans, or indeed any immigrants, some tips on how to truly integrate themselves into the British way of life and avoid the (blatantly middle-class) glare of disapprovers. Here’s the Mum’s the Word guide on How to Be British.

Be Shit At Your Job

This particularly applies if you’re a manual labourer, though far be it from me to stereotype. If you do, however, do something manual and want to appear truly British in doing so, this is what you need to do. When asked for a quote, make sure you make the job sound akin to single-handedly building a replica of the Great Pyramid. Suck air over your teeth a lot, make lots of hmmm-ing sounds. When you do eventually get around to giving a quote, make sure it’s 4 times higher than you’d normally charge for it. Tell the client that it’s going to take at week and then drag it on for over three months. When actually performing the task, be as conspicuous as possible so as to disrupt the person’s life and spend a large portion of the day making rasping noises with your throat to hint that you want another cup of tea.

Claim To Know A Gangster

This one particularly applies if you’re living in the South East, but no self-respecting true Brit can resist dropping in a reference here and there to how their Grandad was bezzy mates with Ronnie and Reggie, or how Pate Tate was like an Uncle to them when they were growing up. No-one is truly British without a story about the Krays, in fact I think they’re thinking of making it part of the citizenship requirements. Adopting phrases like “It’s not a bit of me” or cockney rhyming slang will also help greatly here.

Put Up With Shit Service

There is nothing more quintessentially British than allowing someone you’re paying to treat you like shit. Stroppy waiters, dodgy shop staff and customer service agents who don’t know the meaning of the term. And don’t forget, the worse they treat you, the more you bend over and take it like a good little Brit. Make sure you still leave a tip, even if you’re certain that was a bogey floating in your soup.

Insist That The Majority of Your Food is Tasteless Sludge

If food isn’t in pie form, it’s foreign muck. If you holiday abroad, make sure there’s a pie and mash shop/chip shop/greasy spoon at the resort, otherwise you’ll starve. Declare garlic to be disgusting and any meat that’s not roast beef to be pointless.

Dress Appallingly

This.

Pearly Knobbers

Pearly Knobbers

 

(Disclaimer: Please be aware that this post is entirely tongue-in-cheek. I’m proud to British and all that jazz, this is just a response to more tabloid fuck-wittery)

 

Saturday is Caption Day!

I thought I’d have a go at linking up with the lovely Mammasaurus’ ‘Sat Cap’ linky today and this is my offering:

“If I hold the card here long enough, maybe she won’t notice my monkey assistant aiming his camera up her skirt…”

Leave a caption in the comments below and don’t forget to head over to Mammasaurus to take a look at all of the other entries.


Saturday Is Caption Day

Friday Funny- You Need This in Your Life.

This man is my new favourite comedian, bar none (sorry, Mickey Flanagan…). His name is Louis CK and I don’t think I’ve ever found a comedian as relatable as him, most of his jokes are about being a parent. It’s a bit near the knuckle, probably not one to watch at work or around the kids, but check out these clips:

Louis sells all of his own material, directly through his site and I highly recommend ALL. OF. IT. I can’t remember the last time I laughed as much as I do when I watch or listen to him.

(Little tip: if you buy his audio, don’t listen to it when driving down an A-road at 70mph. It’s just not safe)

So yeah, go buy it, I think there’s one of his stand up shows on there for $5 at the moment, so you have very little to lose and oh so  much to gain. If you don’t find it even a tiny bit funny, I’ll give you your money back** So far, he’s made a million dollars from his Carnegie Hall show, a huge percentage of which has gone to charities.

DO IT.

**Of course, I won’t actually give you your money back, that would just be silly.

The Best Sausageism EVER.

Husband has been working for a new magazine in the USA, which means that his working day starts about half an hour before I get home, so we sometimes (shock, horror!) bridge the gap by sticking the telly on for Sausage until I get in. We’ve got a media server set up so that anything that’s on our PC and external hard drive can be watched wirelessly through our PS3 on the big TV in the lounge. Sausage has got pretty good at navigating her way through the menus and will choose from her huge folder full of Dexter’s Lab box sets and the like.

The other day, I walked up to the door and Husband was waiting for me. He said “Shh, come with me and see what Sausage is watching…”, so I followed him stealthily into the sitting room, where Sausage was watching, and laughing hysterically in all the right places to The Golden Girls; but wait, it gets better…

Sausage suddenly noticed I was behind her and got all excited and said “Mummy, look, I’m watching this programme, it’s soooo funny” then turned round, pointed at Bea Arthur and said “AND LOOK, IT’S GOT A MAN IN IT, DRESSED AS A LADY!!”.

Best. Kid. Ever.

The Best Thing To Ever Happen in Waitrose.

I don’t know about you, but I have a very set idea of the four types of people who shop in Waitrose:

1. Old people. Old, grumpy, usually snobby people who tend to be myopic enough to accidentally (on purpose) try to run you over in their Rovers.

2. Married couples in their late thirties through to late middle age who are probably quite affluent and tend to buy things like expensive wine, bags of salad and expensive pate.

3. Women in their early thirties who have married rich men, who are dolled-up to the nines to do their weekly shop and usually have a couple of kids in tow, who are without exception, really badly behaved.

4. ‘Normal’ people like us, probably not rich enough to do a weeks shop in there and tend to walk around looking slightly bewildered about why their beans cost twice as much in here as they do in Tesco.

Unfortunately, Waitrose is our closest supermarket and when we’re between big shops, we have to go there to stock up on bits, but the other day I had such an awesome moment in there.

I was in the washing aisle and was perusing the washing up liquids. Some of the Waitrose own brand ones have very exotic sounding scents and I said to Husband “Oh these sound nice…then again, I don’t know why I allow myself to get drawn into these, I only end up going right back to Fairy”.

At this moment, a very well dressed man in a baker-boy hat and expensive looking jeans sidled up to us and said “You know, I’m rather partial to a fairy myself” only to smirk and glide away with his trolley!

Such a minute thing, but’s it’s tickled me ever since, every time I think about it. I won’t go too deep into the whole thing, but more than anything I was absolutely made up that in a world, nay, a shop of extreme prejudice, someone can be that secure in himself to just make a joke with a random stranger. That’s the kind of world I want to live in.

Sausageism of the Day

Husband: “I love you, you smell good”

Sausage: “I love you too…but you smell so bad”

 

 

Sausage-ism of the Day

Me: “If you had a little brother, what would you like him to be called?”

Sausage: “Errrm, cheese scone.

Me: “Okaaay…What about a little sister?”

Sausage: “Pontypandy….or xylophone”

My Daughter, the surrealist!

Sausage-ism of the Day.

“Mummy, I think I love you. I think I’ll keep you. I definitely won’t throw you in the bin”

Er, thanks…I think?!