Anger · Rant

Ranty Friday – Feminine Hygiene Products

I am a woman just in case you hadn’t noticed. I have spent a lot of time in the company of other women. Let me demonstrate:

  • I attended an all-girls school from the ages of 11-17
  • I spent a good few years learning bellydancing in all-female classes and travelling around to workshops and performances
  • I used to play netball for my town
  • The majority of my friends are women and there’s a definite female:male bias in my family too, with dozens of female cousins and second cousins

Which is why this next statement may come as a surprise to you…I have never been offended by the odour of another woman’s intimate, female regions. In fact, I won’t stop at offended, I’ll go as far as to say that I’ve never so much been AWARE of the odour of another woman’s intimate female regions.

And that’s where I’m confused, dear readers. See, I’ve never seen extensive stashes of Femfresh or any other feminine washing products in the houses of my friends and family, but surely they MUST be using them if I’m not being overwhelmed by their ripe stench?

**If you haven’t realised so far that I’m writing with an enormous pinch of sarcasm, I suggest you stop reading now and go and read something which won’t offend the fluffy kittens that are currently taking up residence in your brain cavity**

FemFresh Monster

Women, listen up.

Evil FemFresh
This is an *actual* Femfresh ad campaign.
I know. It made me feel stabby too.

Femfresh is ridiculous. It’s a myth, peddled by companies to play on your paranoia and every time you buy one of their products, you’re perpetuating that myth. Have you ever been sitting around and thought “Wow, what’s that smell? Is it…my…fanny?!”? No? Okay, so if your nose, the nose which is presumably closest to your own foof on a daily basis, cannot smell your areas, the chances are that A.N.Other random passer-by isn’t going to be able to either. Unless they’re part bear. Bears have an amazing sense of smell, you know.

The thing that is really offensive about it all is the sheer range of products that Femfresh offer. Specialist “triple-action deodorising” fanny wash not strong enough to keep your olfactory-offender under control? Well, how about some handy portable wipes for keeping you fresh ‘on-the-go’? And if that’s not enough, there’s even a spray deodorant for your downstairs mix-up. With MOISTURISING SILK EXTRACTS, nonetheless. And finally, if you really cannot keep your quim under wraps, there’s a panty liner with ‘silver-care technology’ to really ensure you aren’t bothering anybody with your feminine effluvium.

The things is, men have privates too, but you don’t see supermarket shelves bulging with “Barry’s Patented Ball Wash” or boxes of silver-filled sheathes to encapsulate the bollocks, lest we ever catch a whiff of the breeze as it passes through their danglers. Sure, men probably wouldn’t buy ball-wash if it existed, choosing rather to embrace their manliness and let things marinate, but that’s not the point.

I would love, at this point, to make a cogent argument about how this is further proof of the demonisation of women and how we’re viewed as unclean and second-class, but this has gone on for too long and too many women have allowed themselves to be sucked in by this now. It’s become a vicious circle, we’ve played into the Ad-Man’s hands and made his job easy. We’ve run away with our paranoia and allowed ourselves to be manipulated. We don’t know right from wrong anymore. So, I’ll make it simple for women of all ages and backgrounds and end by saying this:

If your fanny is really that whiffy, GO AND SEE A DOCTOR. It’s not a specialist tuppence-wash you need, it’s medical attention and possibly some ointment.

The End.



SPAMALOT! – Or “How To Save Yourself An Hour A Day”

We’re having a quiet weekend at home after a hectic week and getting hunkered down against the cold. We’re doing lots of family things but we also have time to ourselves when Sausage likes to watch a film, Husband likes to play a game on his PC and I attend to blogging bits and pieces.

One thing I have vowed to get a handle on is the amount of spam that lands in my inbox. I don’t mean the fake cheap Viagra or Cote D’Ivoirian princesses offering to share their gold that Gmail deals with on my behalf and that I don’t even see; I’m talking about the countless newsletters, updates and notifications that I get everyday.

Most days, I wake up to at least 40 emails in my inbox and while I may not be the tidiest person in real life, I’m not the sort of person who can let her inbox build up. Having masses of unread emails drives me to distraction, so I tend to deal with emails as they come in, or at the very least read them and leave them in my inbox to be dealt with later. I also subscribe to a lot of blogs and often wake up to emails of new posts, many of which I’ll save to remind me to read properly when I have the time.

The ones that are getting on my nerves are things like ‘Daily Digest’ emails from LinkedIn groups (which I NEVER read and tend to immediately delete) and sales emails from the likes of Pixmania, Amazon, Jessops and Photobox. I’ve come to the conclusion that, far from saving me money or showing me great deals, these emails are eating into my life and wasting my time EVERY SINGLE DAY. I reckon, on average, when I think about the sheer amount of emails that I’m deleting every day, I probably spend about an hour altogether dealing with crap.

So I’m taking a stand. I’m going on a mass unsubscribing spree and reclaiming the time that I spend everyday dealing with what is, essentially, unsolicited and useless information.

I challenge you to do the same.

Look at your inbox when you wake up (or at your busiest time for emails) and assess how many of them you ever open. If you automatically delete a certain email every time you get it, UNSUBSCRIBE! I know there’s a temptation to stay subscribed, just in case you might save yourself a few pence on a really great deal, but the time you save is actually far more valuable to you and your life in the long run. I guarantee you’ll feel a sense of relief when you start to notice the difference it makes to your day and it’s a great start to decluttering your life.

This even extends to Facebook, Twitter and other social media channels – I’ve massively streamlined who I follow on Twitter as I found I was reading about 10% of the tweets that were showing up in my feed and missing stuff that I actually wanted to see. Same with Facebook, I skip past SO many things on my timeline and it didn’t even occur to me to unsuscribe from things. Now is the time to take a stand! If you still get updates from pages you liked in 2007, the chances are they are no longer relevant to to and just waste time that you could be spending looking at things you enjoy.

Anyway, I’m off for a spring clean of my online world!