Humour

My New (Celeb) BFF

Do you ever watch celebrities on panel shows or in interviews and think “Wow, I LOVE her/him!”? I must admit, it’s something I do quite regularly, which may be an insight into the fact that I live in fantasy land, but let’s look past that, yeah? There are several people on my “How can I force them to be my best friend?” list, so I thought I’d share it with you and hope you’ll leave me a comment telling me who YOUR celeb BFFs would be.

1. Josie LongJosie Long

Josie is one of the smartest, wittiest, most on-the-level women on TV and I absolutely adore her brand of humour, along with her political leanings which are distinctly Left. Her Twitter feed gives me an equal measure of laughs and thought-provocation and I can image an evening down the pub with her being something I’d enjoy a LOT.

2. Katherine RyanKatherine Ryan

Katherine is one of those women who manages to be incredibly bitchy whilst making it ultimately humorous, which basically makes her my God. She’s so freaking funny and also has a daughter who falls somewhere in age between my two, so we could while away our afternoons together being hilariously cruel about the other people at the soft play centre.

3 & 4. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey

Anyone who’s got the balls to call-out Bill Cosby for his date-rape bullshit in front of the majority of ‘Hollywood’ gets serious Brownie points from me, but aside from that, these two consistently both make me laugh and get me in the feels. I adore Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock because they manage to inject their own quirky personailties into the shows and I would LOVE to be taken under their wings and, well, taken to the Golden Globes in a fancy frock.

5. Jennifer LawrenceJennifer Lawrence

Jennifer is one of those rare women who is disgustingly beautiful but still manages to seem like a real person, hence giving her just as big of a female following as her male one. Men want her and women want to be her…or in my case, her BFF. I love how outspoken she is, I love the fact that she doesn’t try to present herself as some sort of ethereal, flawless person like a lot of celebs do and I love the fact that I could totally imagine sitting on a couch, watching films and sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry’s with her.

So, which celebs would you choose to be your BFF? Leave me a comment below.

Humour · Kids · Uncategorized

Most Annoying Kids’ TV Characters of All Time

Back in 2011, I wrote this post for Listography over at Kate Takes 5 and it’s been one of my most popular posts of all time. Of course, Sausage moved past the age where she watched the shows mentioned in that post and onto stuff that we actually love as a whole family (such as Regular Show, The Amazing World of Gumball, Adventure Time etc.) so we aren’t bombarded with Dora the fecking Explorer (bit of pop trivia: did you know, her name is Dora because the Spanish for explorer is ‘exploradora’?!) quite as much any more but there are still several childrens’ TV characters who set my teeth on edge at the mere mention of their name, so I thought I’d share a few in case you agree:

Norman Price from Fireman Sam

Norman Price, Public MenaceNorman Price (or Norman the Knobhead, as he’s known in our house) is the most wilfully stupid, genuinely dangerous child I’ve ever seen on TV and I’m of the opinion that he should be locked up immediately for the safety of himself and the whole village of Pontypandy. It doesn’t matter how many fires/floods/landslides the annoying brat causes, he still does the same thing all over again and I’m getting to the point where I think Fireman Sam should just leave him to drown or be buried up to his neck in rocks rather than waste precious time and resources on saving the little twerp.

Mr. Lopart from Handy Manny

Mr. Lopart

Do you know what I think it is about Mr. Lopart that I hate so much? The sheer hubris of the man. Everything he EVER does is a disaster which requires him to be saved in some way by poor, overworked Manuel, yet he’s STILL arrogant enough to think that he can do things by himself. The man is a Darwin Award waiting to happen. I really hope Handy Manny’s patience runs out one day and he just sits in a lawn chair, sipping a rum and coke while Mr. Lopart gets carried off like Icarus into the sun on a giant bunch of sweet-shaped balloons.

Egbert from Poppy Cat

Egbert, Poppy Cat

Even aside from the fact that Egbert sounds like he’s got permanently impacted sinuses, the antisocial shitbag blindly turns down any invitation to go on adventures with a self-importance and rudeness which would make even my super tolerant, gentle-hearted mother-in-law swear. If I asked someone to do something every single day and was told “No, I’ve got something FAR more important to do…”, I think I’d end up punching them. In fact, more fool Poppy Cat for continuing to ask him along on her adventures. I hope she loses her shit one day and makes him into badger stew.

The Wise Old Elf

The (Not So) Wise Old Elf

I love a bit of Ben and Holly.

Err, I mean THE KIDS love a bit of Ben and Holly…

Anyway, the so-called “Wise” Old Elf is always claiming to be an expert at something which he then completely fudges and has to defer to the, frankly awesome, Nanny Plum to help him out with the magic that he’s spent the whole episode looking down his nose at. So, my question is this: Who decided he was so ‘wise’? Is it a name given to him by other elves? Because I see no real evidence of any sort of deep wisdom which warrants such a moniker, and if it’s a self-styled title then that makes him an arrogant dick.

So, come on, who gets on your nerves? Leave me a comment below!

Humour · Meme · Personal

Questions and Answers

questions and answersMy gorgeous friend Mary from Keynko has tagged me to answer some questions and seeing as I’m having a total blogging lull where I have about 7 unfinished posts in my drafts at the moment, I thought this might be a good way to give myself a kick up the bum and get some mojo back! All I have to do is answer the following questions, make some up and then tag some other bloggers to join in.

Here are Mary’s questions and my answers:

What’s the worst movie you ever paid money to see?

Hmm, that’s a tricky one as I don’t go to the cinema to watch grown-up films very often these days! Justin and the Knights of Valour was probably the worst film we’ve seen as a family but we tried watching the Tom Cruise film ‘Oblivion’ at home and switched it off because it was SO bad. It’s very unusual for Husband and I not to persevere through even the weakest of film so that should give you a good idea of just how bad it really was. The newest Godzilla was also appallingly bad.

Where would your perfect Christmas be spent? 

I know it’s corny, but anywhere that my kids and Husband are. Ideally, in a cabin in the woods with snow outside, a log fire burning inside, Christmas dinner with all the trimmings followed by an evening of boardgames and fun, then the kids and Chuck snuggling under heavy blankets while Husband and I share a tipple by the fire. Having said that, we go to Husband’s Aunt’s house every year and have a huge family Christmas with lots of fun and games, which is pretty darn close to perfect anyway!

If you turn your “ipod”  (or equivalent music playing device) on what’s the first tune that plays?

At the moment, I listen to the most music whilst driving and I have a car stereo which takes memory sticks with .mp3s on them. If you turned the car on right now, you’d hear Disintegration by The Cure.

What is your earliest childhood memory?

Oddly, my earliest memory is a nightmare. I have huge gaps in my memory because of childhood trauma but I remember this nightmare vividly; I was standing in my cot in my bedroom and there were giant crabs and lobsters trying to snap at me through the bars. It’s bizarre, because I haven’t been in that bedroom since I was 5 years old and I have no recollection of it other than in this memory of a nightmare, but I remember every single detail of what it looked like.

And are you a tea or coffee person? Mug or cup and saucer? 

Both. Give me ALL the hot drinks! I do adore the mini-luxury of a properly brewed cup of tea, made in a teapot and served in a cup and saucer, but I also love a bog standard mug of monkey tea. I probably drink more coffee than tea these days (and I’m addicted to a free Waitrose latte!) and we have both instant and proper coffee made in our machine. Funnily enough, one of our favourites is the £1.25 a pack Ikea ground coffee – it’s lovely and works out at literally a few pennies per cup.

So, now it’s MY turn to ask questions and tag some peeps!

What was the last thing that made you cry?

Finish this sentence…”Never have I ever…”

What’s the tastiest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Would you rather fight one elephant sized gerbil, or 1000 gerbil sized elephants? Why?

If you had £50 to spend on something JUST for you, on what would you spend it?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do?

If you could have one superhero’s powers, what would you choose?

What would be the first sentence of a book about your life?

I tag: Kate at WitWitWoo, Steph at I’m Counting UFOs, Jen at Smiles and Trials, Emma at The Syders, Kylie at Not Even a Bag of Sugar and Sally at Who’s the Mummy – over to you guys to answer my questions and then make some up of your own.

Humour

McCain Find the Perfect Scarecrow for Emmerdale!

McCain Emmerdale Scarecrow auditionsEvery now and again, I receive a press-release that’s just too fun to not share with you guys and when this one popped into my inbox, I knew I’d have to give you all a giggle:

Star-crows from Mobberley in Cheshire have hit the big time and won a part on the small screen in the Emmerdale sponsorship ads!

‘The Scarecrow Farm Shop’, created by the Ellison family, made the long journey to London to take part in potato specialist McCain’s first live scarecrow auditions at the Arts Theatre in the heart of the West End. Hopefuls from up and down the country queued around the block for their chance to impress celeb judge ex-Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy and a panel of McCain judges.

Nicola Ech-Channa, McCain Communications Development Manager, said “We loved seeing what the scarecrow contestants had to offer, and we particularly enjoyed the Scarecrow Farm Shop. Scarecrows are a great British tradition and the festivals put a lot of care and attention into producing their entries – just like we do with all our potatoes. Each scarecrow was created with its own distinct personality and we are awestruck at the amount of time and dedication put into this. It’s a shame we couldn’t let all the contestants win, and it was a close-run race. The makers of Scarecrow Farm Shop should be very proud to have been awarded first place as it was hugely competitive. It’s going to be great to see how they interact with the existing McCain scarecrow clan!”

Sheree Murphy put the hopefuls through their paces and had a tough choice to make in picking McCain’s scarecrow stars. Sheree said “I have been really impressed with the creativity and originality of all the contestants – the level of talent has been phenomenal! It was a very difficult decision but the winner has to be The Scarecrow Farm Shop. What left me in no doubt that we had found our star-crow was the level of thought and detail that went into it. I love that these ‘farm owners’ really had products to sell, and I adored the traditional scarecrow elements that were incorporated.”

The lucky scarecrows will appear as extras in an upcoming series of Emmerdale sponsorship bumpers alongside McCain favourites ‘Granny’ and ‘Straw girl’, plus they have won £5,000 for their village festival next year.

Cheshire can also be proud that as well as first place, another scarecrow – Sarah Jane Sunflower – did very well, being awarded fifth place.

McCain Foods was unveiled as the new sponsor of Emmerdale, one of the UK’s biggest and most loved TV programmes, in March 2014. Like the soap, McCain has long established links to farming, having worked with some of its 300 British Growers for three generations. McCain is also the largest purchaser of British potatoes, buying approximately 15% of the total UK crop each year.

The Scarecrow Farm Shop’s makers, the Ellison family, said “It’s a dream come true to win, we can’t thank McCain enough for giving us this opportunity. Now The Scarecrow Farm Shop can share their star quality with the nation. We can’t wait for next year’s festival, our star-crows will receive a hero’s welcome when they return to Cheshire. And the winnings will make our 2015 festival the best yet!”

Find out more about the winning scarecrow on the McCain Facebook page!

Baby · Family · Humour · Parenting · Uncategorized

Parenting C.V.

parenting CVWith all the focus that seems to be on ‘working parents’ and ‘stay-at-home’ parents, I’ve been thinking a lot about my role in life. I’ve come to the conclusion that, if I can at all help it, I won’t be returning to a ‘traditional’ workplace any time soon, as I’ve been fortunate enough to have this blogging lark turn into something of a career in itself. However, if I were to ever return to a 9-5, I reckon I’ve gained a lot of skills in my role as a parent which mean I’m pretty much capable of anything an office job can throw at me. I thought I’d put together my parenting C.V. for you all to take a look at:

Name: Jayne Crammond

Age: 29 (although the bags under my eyes make me look more like 49…)

Skills:

  • Multi-tasking – Lots of people claim to be good multi-taskers, but until you’ve had two kids you have NO idea what true multi-tasking is. TRUE multi-tasking is going to the loo with a feeding baby strapped to your chest, or rocking a screaming baby in a buggy whilst doing a french plait in the other ones hair.
  • Manual Dexterity – When Sausage was a small baby, we went out for a meal with my in-laws, and halfway through the meal she decided to do a poo-cano of epic proportion. I got into the toilets only to discover that they didn’t have any chaging facilities, nor even a big enough flat surface to lay her on to change her butt. That day, I discovered that I’m able to balance a poo-covered newborn on the length of my forearm, change her butt, clean her up and dress her in a new babygro. SKILLZ, BITCH.
  • Working under extreme stress – Hey, look, I love BB but there’s no denying that she’s one vocal little pickle. If she’s not happy, she’ll let you know and her cries can reach a crescendo that would make Mother Teresa swear. In the past 10 weeks, there have been times that she’s done that cry, on and off, for 10 hours at a time and in that time I still have to function as a human being and perform tasks of varying difficulty.
  • Able to function at a moments notice – Having a baby keeps you on your toes and you really do have to be ‘Johnny On The Ball’ at all times. Just slid into a hot bath? Just dozed off after being up most of the night? Managed to find a single moment to use the bathroom with the door shut for the first time in weeks? Be prepared for something to go wrong while you’re indisposed and have to jump to attention.
  • Reliability – In previous employment, I’ve been seriously flaky, having sick days here and there. However, parenting has proved that I am reliable when it’s something I have an interest in. In the 2090 days since I became a parent, there’s not been a single day where I’ve decided that I just wouldn’t turn up.
  • Risk assessment – When you’re a parent, your risk assessment skills are second to none. I can walk into a place I’ve never been before and with a quick scan of the room, know where every trip hazard, potential head-bump site, child-unfriendly object, patch of dirt and source of heat is within about 15 seconds.
  • Diplomacy – I’ve dealt with some difficult bosses in my time, but none moreso than Sausage and BB! Explaining to a toddler why they can’t have Jelly Tots on toast and avoiding a meltdown or even just refraining from wheeling BB into the garden in her pushchair and leaving her to have her latest meltdown takes a level of diplomacy of which Kofi Annan would be proud.
  • Time keeping – Okay, so it’s not perfect, but being able to get up after minimal sleep, dress, feed and organise three human beings and get them all out of the door on time, in something approaching a presentable fashion? I’d say that’s a WIN.

So, I’ve told you mine now you tell me yours; what skills has parenting taught you which would be totally transferable to a professional CV? And on a serious note…isn’t it sad that we can’t actually use these on our CV?!