39 articles Articles posted in Humour

5 Current Trends Which are Definitely NOT For Me

Looking around at the fashion that’s in the shops and on people I see in the streets, you could be forgiven for thinking that we’d woken up in the early nineties, and don’t get me wrong, there are things about that which I LOVE. Plaid shirts, Dr. Martens, double buns and ripped jeans are all SO welcome in my wardrobe but there are a few things which have made a resurgence which really are not for 2016-me. Here’s a run down of the things which 32 year old me would love to get involved with but just simply cannot:

Chokersnot-a-good-look

I won’t lie; when I saw kids wearing chokers again, I was a little bit excited. I used to LOVE my tattoo choker (you remember those stretchy plastic swirly ones?) and had it in black AND rainbow colours, and I even had a velvet choker which I made myself for special occasions. “Awesome!”, 32 year old me, thought. “Lets get a choker”.

Then, Sausage made me one out of loom bands and I realised that my jowls hang down over the front of it, making it look like I have a tourniquet around my neck and my head is a swollen balloon of flesh floating above, which is just about as far from a good look as I could possibly have imagined, and is exactly why chokers will not be making a regular appearance in my wardrobe.

Crop Tops

crop top

Not actually me…but probably not far off of what I’d look like in a crop top.

I mean…do I really need to elaborate here? I barely wore crop tops when they were in fashion 20 years ago but now, after two c-sections and, let’s face it, an adulthood of gluttony, crop tops are something that only other people wear. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen women of my age and even older wearing them, rocking the whole ‘high waited skirt/crop top’ thing and looking pretty classy, but even the TOP of my tummy is a mass of stretchmarks and therefore a NO SHOW AREA.

Underwear as Outerwear

miss-hannigan

Ah, I remember the good old days when silk nighties became fashionable and every dress on the market looked like lingerie. In fact, I actually owned one myself, which was probably wildly inappropriate because I was about 13 at the time but still had D-cup boobs, so I probably looked like a tiny prostitute. Apparently, silk slips have made a come back, but the best chance of me embracing this trend is when I nip to McDonalds drive-thru at 11.30pm when I’ve got a severe McNugget jones and don’t want to change out of my slippers. Silk nighties – NO. UGG slippers – YES.

Tiaras 

just-no

So, according to some mush who works for Yves Saint Laurent, we’re all supposed to be wearing tiaras with everything this season, a la Courtney Love with her smeared lipstick. I can assure you, if I started wearing a tiara on the school run and round Aldi, my family would seriously start looking into having me sectioned.

Dungarees

bella-dungarees

See, this one makes me sad. I would LOVE to rock a set of dungarees and I think they look lush on other people. I, however, am not built for dungarees. Carrying as much weight around my centre mass and having as large a bust as I do would absolutely guarantee that I would look less Kate Bosworth and more Bella from the Tweenies…

Do you have any current trends that you’d love to wear but just have to steer clear of? I’d love to hear about them so do leave me a comment below!

8 Ways We Know it’s Almost The Holidays

school holidaysI don’t know about you, but we are SO ready for it to be the summer holidays. Sausage has really enjoyed Year 3 and loves her current teacher but she’s definitely in need of a long break from the 32-mile-a-day school runs and if I’m honest, so am I! We, like most families, start September with very high standards of polished shoes, new stationery and a strict timetable but by this time of the school year things have well and truly slipped so I thought I’d give you an amusing insight into how we know it’s almost the end of the year:

  1. Your super-strict “we MUST be out of the door at 8am SHARP!” becomes “meh, it’s 8.10…we’ve got a few minutes before we absolutely HAVE to leave…”.
  2. At the beginning of the year, snazzy new school shoes have lights in them…only one of those lights now works and you have absolutely ZERO intention of working out how to fix the broken one.
  3. Socks which were once white (and kept that way through weekly soaking in a whitening solution) are now distinctly grey…or pink…and will be staying that way until they get binned in two weeks.
  4. Pristine book bags are now replaced with random rucksacks…or on a very bad day, a Bag for Life because the other bags have been shoved somewhere during a tidying frenzy and can no longer be located.
  5. Healthy packed lunches and bottles of filtered water are now hastily bought dinner tickets and a bottle of pre-made Vimto from the corner shop.
  6. Creative homework, which was lovingly crafted at the beginning of term is now largely forgotten, or done in a five minute panic on a Sunday evening.
  7. Uniform, which was once immaculate, is now looking a little worse for wear with inkspots on shirts and summer dresses which are a little on the small side…but you’re definitely not going to replace it before September!
  8. There’s a massive chart on your wall where you tick off the days until the summer holidays and it’s literally the most exciting thing you do all day.

I’m sure there are other surefire signs of how much we’re DONE with this school year. What are yours? Leave me a comment below, I’d love to hear them!

The Continued Emasculation of Daddy Pig

The Continued Emasculation of Daddy Pig

Having two kids with a 5 and and half year age gap means that I’m suffering enjoying a lot of the same programmes a second time around, and BB is at that age where EVERYTHING must be Peppa Pig (save for a couple of times a week when she takes a brief foray into Topsy and Tim, her previous programme du jour). This means that, during the week, Peppa is usually on in the backgroud for much of the late morning/early afternoon period while I work and do housework and BB mills around doing what it is that toddlers do (picking her nose and sticking stickers on my furniture, mostly).

Watching the same episodes of Peppa over and over again means that you notice certain things and one of those things is what I like to call “The Emasculation of Daddy Pig”. See, there seems to be a running theme in Peppa; Daddy is a bit useless and is fair game for mockery. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for a bit of banter (HASHTAG BANTZ), but he seems to really get the rough end of the deal, and it’s got to a point where it’s verging on misandry. Jokes are made about Daddy Pig that no-one would DARE make about Mummy Pig because it would have people getting into an Everyday Sexism frenzy…so, let’s take a look at what those episodes might look like…

Mummy’s Fat Tummy

Everyone decides (after years of mockery) that Mummy Pig needs to get off of her fat arse and lose some weight, so Daddy Pig forces her to do exercise videos and go on bike rides (on a bike which is dangerously small for her). Everyone is waiting at home to take the piss out of how unfit she is.

Mummy Fucks Up The DIY

Daddy Pig has an important meeting to go to, so he asks Mummy Pig to hang a painting. Of course, Mummy is a hapless fuckwit and manages to knock a whole load of plaster off of the wall. She’s terrified that Daddy Pig will have a shit-fit at her when he gets home so she quickly re-renders the wall before he gets there. Once he gets home, he takes over because he’s obviously so much more capable than her and puts the painting up with a single flick of a hammer.

Mummy’s a Greedy Bitch

The whole family visits the supermarket to buy lots of healthy things off of their list. When they get to the checkout, they realise that Mummy Pig has put a chocolate cake on the conveyor belt and although they all agree that Mummy is a greedy, ‘naughty’ bastard, they all let her have it anyway (despite the fact that she’s clearly the main breadwinner and as such can buy whatever the fuck she wants).

Mummy Pig Doesn’t Speak French

Peppa gets a phone call from her French pen-pal and despite claiming she can speak French, Mummy Pig isn’t able to communicate with Delphine and, in fact, doesn’t even recognise that she’s speaking a foreign language in the first place, declaring it all to be “nonsense” and revealing herself to be a braggart who lacks any form of common sense or intelligence.

Now, I’m just going to put this out there; if ANY of these episodes were real and this kind of mockery, fat-shaming and stereotypical sexist bullshit was aimed at Mummy Pig, there would be OUTRAGE. But, because Daddy Pig is only a man, it’s okay to disregard his feelings and bully him on a daily basis, because don’t be silly, men don’t have feelings!

The worst part is, Peppa Pig was created and is written by TWO MEN! That leads me to one of two conclusions – either Mark Baker and Neville Astley are weird, self-hating males who think it’s okay to deride their own gender OR they think that they’re somehow appealing to the common housewife who obviously hates men. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with either conclusion, if I’m honest. I want my girls to grow up knowing A) everyone has different strengths, regardless of their gender and B) bullying people based on archaic, clichéd notions is just wrong.

I’d love to know what you think about this. Am I reading far too much into Peppa bloody Pig and need to seriously get a life? Or is this something which gets on your teats as much as it does mine? Leave me a comment below.

British Comedies – My Top 5

We’re huge fans of all kinds of comedy, here in the MTW house, but British comedy is in a different league and there are so many shows that we’ve loved, some of which span decades. Comedy is a great source of stress relief for me; nothing takes away the stresses of the day better than sitting down to watch something that’s so funny, I can’t help but laugh. Mayfair Granite have asked me to share some of my favourite British comedies with you, so here they are:

The Young Ones

The Young OnesSome of my earliest memories are of watching taped episodes of The Young Ones when I was even smaller than Sausage but the humour definitely had an effect on me as I was growing up (perhaps I can blame my slightly anarchic leanings on Rik?!). The characters are so perfectly ludicrous and it also introduced me to bands like Motorhead and Madness, forming a lifelong love of both.

The Good Life

The Good Life

The Good Life, if you haven’t already seen it, was a mid-70’s comedy about a Surbiton couple who decided to get out of the rat-race and become self-sufficient by farming their own land, growing fruit and veg and keeping various livestock (including Geraldine the goat!), much to the disgust of their close friends and perennially middle-class neighbours. The Good Life is one of those shows that’s a bit like a security blanket for me, I can watch it over and over again and always feel happy when I watch it.

Alan Partridge

Alan Partridge

I know a lot of people can’t watch Alan Partridge purely because of the extremely high cringe-factor, and I must admit to watching through my fingers sometimes (“Lynne. The brass dimmer switches, the granite worktops and your eight thousand pounds a year are all paid for by Eurovision thong contest, boob olympics and a wet Christmas.”) but it’s genuinely one of the funniest shows of all time and well worth trying to watch if you haven’t already.

Pulling

Pulling

Pulling was a mid-noughties show about three women who live in Penge, one of whom had just recently jilted her fiance at the alter. The characters are hilariously outrageous (Tanya is my absolute favourite) and the whole show is just brilliantly written. Sharon Horgan, who you’ll probably recognise from the more recent show Catastrophe, is perfect as Donna and the cameos by Paul Kaye are some of the funniest parts of both series’.

Only Fools and Horses

Only Fools and Horses

You can’t talk about British Comedy without mentioning Only Fools and Horses. This show is loved by 90 year olds and nine year olds alike (I once overheard Sausage and one of her cousins “playing” a game of OFAH, but no-one wanted to be Cassandra!!). I think the reason this show worked so well was because we genuinely cared about the characters (the episode where Uncle Albert runs away from home still gets me in the feels every time…) and it’s so cleverly written that even slightly adult humour is included in a way that the kids are still oblivious to.

There are SO many more I could write about individually, but I don’t want to bore you, so if you haven’t already, may I also recommend that you watch Red Dwarf, Peep Show, Father Ted, Black Books, The IT Crowd, Black Adder, Ideal….there are just too many to name! What’s your favourite British comedy?

My New (Celeb) BFF

Do you ever watch celebrities on panel shows or in interviews and think “Wow, I LOVE her/him!”? I must admit, it’s something I do quite regularly, which may be an insight into the fact that I live in fantasy land, but let’s look past that, yeah? There are several people on my “How can I force them to be my best friend?” list, so I thought I’d share it with you and hope you’ll leave me a comment telling me who YOUR celeb BFFs would be.

1. Josie LongJosie Long

Josie is one of the smartest, wittiest, most on-the-level women on TV and I absolutely adore her brand of humour, along with her political leanings which are distinctly Left. Her Twitter feed gives me an equal measure of laughs and thought-provocation and I can image an evening down the pub with her being something I’d enjoy a LOT.

2. Katherine RyanKatherine Ryan

Katherine is one of those women who manages to be incredibly bitchy whilst making it ultimately humorous, which basically makes her my God. She’s so freaking funny and also has a daughter who falls somewhere in age between my two, so we could while away our afternoons together being hilariously cruel about the other people at the soft play centre.

3 & 4. Amy Poehler and Tina Fey

Anyone who’s got the balls to call-out Bill Cosby for his date-rape bullshit in front of the majority of ‘Hollywood’ gets serious Brownie points from me, but aside from that, these two consistently both make me laugh and get me in the feels. I adore Parks and Recreation and 30 Rock because they manage to inject their own quirky personailties into the shows and I would LOVE to be taken under their wings and, well, taken to the Golden Globes in a fancy frock.

5. Jennifer LawrenceJennifer Lawrence

Jennifer is one of those rare women who is disgustingly beautiful but still manages to seem like a real person, hence giving her just as big of a female following as her male one. Men want her and women want to be her…or in my case, her BFF. I love how outspoken she is, I love the fact that she doesn’t try to present herself as some sort of ethereal, flawless person like a lot of celebs do and I love the fact that I could totally imagine sitting on a couch, watching films and sharing a tub of Ben and Jerry’s with her.

So, which celebs would you choose to be your BFF? Leave me a comment below.

Most Annoying Kids’ TV Characters of All Time

Back in 2011, I wrote this post for Listography over at Kate Takes 5 and it’s been one of my most popular posts of all time. Of course, Sausage moved past the age where she watched the shows mentioned in that post and onto stuff that we actually love as a whole family (such as Regular Show, The Amazing World of Gumball, Adventure Time etc.) so we aren’t bombarded with Dora the fecking Explorer (bit of pop trivia: did you know, her name is Dora because the Spanish for explorer is ‘exploradora’?!) quite as much any more but there are still several childrens’ TV characters who set my teeth on edge at the mere mention of their name, so I thought I’d share a few in case you agree:

Norman Price from Fireman Sam

Norman Price, Public MenaceNorman Price (or Norman the Knobhead, as he’s known in our house) is the most wilfully stupid, genuinely dangerous child I’ve ever seen on TV and I’m of the opinion that he should be locked up immediately for the safety of himself and the whole village of Pontypandy. It doesn’t matter how many fires/floods/landslides the annoying brat causes, he still does the same thing all over again and I’m getting to the point where I think Fireman Sam should just leave him to drown or be buried up to his neck in rocks rather than waste precious time and resources on saving the little twerp.

Mr. Lopart from Handy Manny

Mr. Lopart

Do you know what I think it is about Mr. Lopart that I hate so much? The sheer hubris of the man. Everything he EVER does is a disaster which requires him to be saved in some way by poor, overworked Manuel, yet he’s STILL arrogant enough to think that he can do things by himself. The man is a Darwin Award waiting to happen. I really hope Handy Manny’s patience runs out one day and he just sits in a lawn chair, sipping a rum and coke while Mr. Lopart gets carried off like Icarus into the sun on a giant bunch of sweet-shaped balloons.

Egbert from Poppy Cat

Egbert, Poppy Cat

Even aside from the fact that Egbert sounds like he’s got permanently impacted sinuses, the antisocial shitbag blindly turns down any invitation to go on adventures with a self-importance and rudeness which would make even my super tolerant, gentle-hearted mother-in-law swear. If I asked someone to do something every single day and was told “No, I’ve got something FAR more important to do…”, I think I’d end up punching them. In fact, more fool Poppy Cat for continuing to ask him along on her adventures. I hope she loses her shit one day and makes him into badger stew.

The Wise Old Elf

The (Not So) Wise Old Elf

I love a bit of Ben and Holly.

Err, I mean THE KIDS love a bit of Ben and Holly…

Anyway, the so-called “Wise” Old Elf is always claiming to be an expert at something which he then completely fudges and has to defer to the, frankly awesome, Nanny Plum to help him out with the magic that he’s spent the whole episode looking down his nose at. So, my question is this: Who decided he was so ‘wise’? Is it a name given to him by other elves? Because I see no real evidence of any sort of deep wisdom which warrants such a moniker, and if it’s a self-styled title then that makes him an arrogant dick.

So, come on, who gets on your nerves? Leave me a comment below!

Questions and Answers

questions and answersMy gorgeous friend Mary from Keynko has tagged me to answer some questions and seeing as I’m having a total blogging lull where I have about 7 unfinished posts in my drafts at the moment, I thought this might be a good way to give myself a kick up the bum and get some mojo back! All I have to do is answer the following questions, make some up and then tag some other bloggers to join in.

Here are Mary’s questions and my answers:

What’s the worst movie you ever paid money to see?

Hmm, that’s a tricky one as I don’t go to the cinema to watch grown-up films very often these days! Justin and the Knights of Valour was probably the worst film we’ve seen as a family but we tried watching the Tom Cruise film ‘Oblivion’ at home and switched it off because it was SO bad. It’s very unusual for Husband and I not to persevere through even the weakest of film so that should give you a good idea of just how bad it really was. The newest Godzilla was also appallingly bad.

Where would your perfect Christmas be spent? 

I know it’s corny, but anywhere that my kids and Husband are. Ideally, in a cabin in the woods with snow outside, a log fire burning inside, Christmas dinner with all the trimmings followed by an evening of boardgames and fun, then the kids and Chuck snuggling under heavy blankets while Husband and I share a tipple by the fire. Having said that, we go to Husband’s Aunt’s house every year and have a huge family Christmas with lots of fun and games, which is pretty darn close to perfect anyway!

If you turn your “ipod”  (or equivalent music playing device) on what’s the first tune that plays?

At the moment, I listen to the most music whilst driving and I have a car stereo which takes memory sticks with .mp3s on them. If you turned the car on right now, you’d hear Disintegration by The Cure.

What is your earliest childhood memory?

Oddly, my earliest memory is a nightmare. I have huge gaps in my memory because of childhood trauma but I remember this nightmare vividly; I was standing in my cot in my bedroom and there were giant crabs and lobsters trying to snap at me through the bars. It’s bizarre, because I haven’t been in that bedroom since I was 5 years old and I have no recollection of it other than in this memory of a nightmare, but I remember every single detail of what it looked like.

And are you a tea or coffee person? Mug or cup and saucer? 

Both. Give me ALL the hot drinks! I do adore the mini-luxury of a properly brewed cup of tea, made in a teapot and served in a cup and saucer, but I also love a bog standard mug of monkey tea. I probably drink more coffee than tea these days (and I’m addicted to a free Waitrose latte!) and we have both instant and proper coffee made in our machine. Funnily enough, one of our favourites is the £1.25 a pack Ikea ground coffee – it’s lovely and works out at literally a few pennies per cup.

So, now it’s MY turn to ask questions and tag some peeps!

What was the last thing that made you cry?

Finish this sentence…”Never have I ever…”

What’s the tastiest thing you’ve ever eaten?

Would you rather fight one elephant sized gerbil, or 1000 gerbil sized elephants? Why?

If you had £50 to spend on something JUST for you, on what would you spend it?

What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever seen somebody do?

If you could have one superhero’s powers, what would you choose?

What would be the first sentence of a book about your life?

I tag: Kate at WitWitWoo, Steph at I’m Counting UFOs, Jen at Smiles and Trials, Emma at The Syders, Kylie at Not Even a Bag of Sugar and Sally at Who’s the Mummy – over to you guys to answer my questions and then make some up of your own.

McCain Find the Perfect Scarecrow for Emmerdale!

McCain Emmerdale Scarecrow auditionsEvery now and again, I receive a press-release that’s just too fun to not share with you guys and when this one popped into my inbox, I knew I’d have to give you all a giggle:

Star-crows from Mobberley in Cheshire have hit the big time and won a part on the small screen in the Emmerdale sponsorship ads!

‘The Scarecrow Farm Shop’, created by the Ellison family, made the long journey to London to take part in potato specialist McCain’s first live scarecrow auditions at the Arts Theatre in the heart of the West End. Hopefuls from up and down the country queued around the block for their chance to impress celeb judge ex-Emmerdale actress Sheree Murphy and a panel of McCain judges.

Nicola Ech-Channa, McCain Communications Development Manager, said “We loved seeing what the scarecrow contestants had to offer, and we particularly enjoyed the Scarecrow Farm Shop. Scarecrows are a great British tradition and the festivals put a lot of care and attention into producing their entries – just like we do with all our potatoes. Each scarecrow was created with its own distinct personality and we are awestruck at the amount of time and dedication put into this. It’s a shame we couldn’t let all the contestants win, and it was a close-run race. The makers of Scarecrow Farm Shop should be very proud to have been awarded first place as it was hugely competitive. It’s going to be great to see how they interact with the existing McCain scarecrow clan!”

Sheree Murphy put the hopefuls through their paces and had a tough choice to make in picking McCain’s scarecrow stars. Sheree said “I have been really impressed with the creativity and originality of all the contestants – the level of talent has been phenomenal! It was a very difficult decision but the winner has to be The Scarecrow Farm Shop. What left me in no doubt that we had found our star-crow was the level of thought and detail that went into it. I love that these ‘farm owners’ really had products to sell, and I adored the traditional scarecrow elements that were incorporated.”

The lucky scarecrows will appear as extras in an upcoming series of Emmerdale sponsorship bumpers alongside McCain favourites ‘Granny’ and ‘Straw girl’, plus they have won £5,000 for their village festival next year.

Cheshire can also be proud that as well as first place, another scarecrow – Sarah Jane Sunflower – did very well, being awarded fifth place.

McCain Foods was unveiled as the new sponsor of Emmerdale, one of the UK’s biggest and most loved TV programmes, in March 2014. Like the soap, McCain has long established links to farming, having worked with some of its 300 British Growers for three generations. McCain is also the largest purchaser of British potatoes, buying approximately 15% of the total UK crop each year.

The Scarecrow Farm Shop’s makers, the Ellison family, said “It’s a dream come true to win, we can’t thank McCain enough for giving us this opportunity. Now The Scarecrow Farm Shop can share their star quality with the nation. We can’t wait for next year’s festival, our star-crows will receive a hero’s welcome when they return to Cheshire. And the winnings will make our 2015 festival the best yet!”

Find out more about the winning scarecrow on the McCain Facebook page!

Parenting C.V.

parenting CVWith all the focus that seems to be on ‘working parents’ and ‘stay-at-home’ parents, I’ve been thinking a lot about my role in life. I’ve come to the conclusion that, if I can at all help it, I won’t be returning to a ‘traditional’ workplace any time soon, as I’ve been fortunate enough to have this blogging lark turn into something of a career in itself. However, if I were to ever return to a 9-5, I reckon I’ve gained a lot of skills in my role as a parent which mean I’m pretty much capable of anything an office job can throw at me. I thought I’d put together my parenting C.V. for you all to take a look at:

Name: Jayne Crammond

Age: 29 (although the bags under my eyes make me look more like 49…)

Skills:

  • Multi-tasking – Lots of people claim to be good multi-taskers, but until you’ve had two kids you have NO idea what true multi-tasking is. TRUE multi-tasking is going to the loo with a feeding baby strapped to your chest, or rocking a screaming baby in a buggy whilst doing a french plait in the other ones hair.
  • Manual Dexterity – When Sausage was a small baby, we went out for a meal with my in-laws, and halfway through the meal she decided to do a poo-cano of epic proportion. I got into the toilets only to discover that they didn’t have any chaging facilities, nor even a big enough flat surface to lay her on to change her butt. That day, I discovered that I’m able to balance a poo-covered newborn on the length of my forearm, change her butt, clean her up and dress her in a new babygro. SKILLZ, BITCH.
  • Working under extreme stress – Hey, look, I love BB but there’s no denying that she’s one vocal little pickle. If she’s not happy, she’ll let you know and her cries can reach a crescendo that would make Mother Teresa swear. In the past 10 weeks, there have been times that she’s done that cry, on and off, for 10 hours at a time and in that time I still have to function as a human being and perform tasks of varying difficulty.
  • Able to function at a moments notice – Having a baby keeps you on your toes and you really do have to be ‘Johnny On The Ball’ at all times. Just slid into a hot bath? Just dozed off after being up most of the night? Managed to find a single moment to use the bathroom with the door shut for the first time in weeks? Be prepared for something to go wrong while you’re indisposed and have to jump to attention.
  • Reliability – In previous employment, I’ve been seriously flaky, having sick days here and there. However, parenting has proved that I am reliable when it’s something I have an interest in. In the 2090 days since I became a parent, there’s not been a single day where I’ve decided that I just wouldn’t turn up.
  • Risk assessment – When you’re a parent, your risk assessment skills are second to none. I can walk into a place I’ve never been before and with a quick scan of the room, know where every trip hazard, potential head-bump site, child-unfriendly object, patch of dirt and source of heat is within about 15 seconds.
  • Diplomacy – I’ve dealt with some difficult bosses in my time, but none moreso than Sausage and BB! Explaining to a toddler why they can’t have Jelly Tots on toast and avoiding a meltdown or even just refraining from wheeling BB into the garden in her pushchair and leaving her to have her latest meltdown takes a level of diplomacy of which Kofi Annan would be proud.
  • Time keeping – Okay, so it’s not perfect, but being able to get up after minimal sleep, dress, feed and organise three human beings and get them all out of the door on time, in something approaching a presentable fashion? I’d say that’s a WIN.

So, I’ve told you mine now you tell me yours; what skills has parenting taught you which would be totally transferable to a professional CV? And on a serious note…isn’t it sad that we can’t actually use these on our CV?!

The Mysteries of Parenthood

its-a-mystery-500x325In the past five years, two weeks and six days, I have come to realise that there are certain occurences, certain mysteries of parenthood that I will never understand. And these things appear to be fairly universal, as I see lots of other people mentioning these occurences on social media and the like. What makes me feel infinitely better is that none of these people have the answers to these unexplained phenomenon either, so I know it’s not just me getting a great big ‘F’ in the parenting stakes.

So, without further ado, here’s a list of a few of the things that continue to evade me, despite having 5 years of parenting experience under my belt.

1. Why is it that children have absolutely no inclination to bounce on the bed…until, it’s freshly made, that is? What is is about a newly-made bed that just screams “RUIN ME AND NEGATE YOUR MOTHER’S EFFORT!!” to kids, the world over?

2. Why is it, that a child can sit in a room and completely ignore a toy for hours on end, but when it comes to moment you want to tidy said toy away, your child suddenly develops a deep and burning need to play with that toy, right this second?

3. Chores. Everyone hates them and I think most of us can probably attest to our kids being pretty resistant to getting involved in housework when we ask them to help. So, why is it that when they go to Nanny’s house, they’re suddenly like a spawn of Kim and Aggy (should they ever perfect making a person without sperm, that is) and prompt cries from mothers-in-law of “Oh, your Mum is so lucky to have a child like you, helping around the house!”

4. Cardboard boxes. One year, for Christmas, we spent nearly a hundred quid on a play kitchen for Sausage, then spent most of Christmas morning assembling it, only for her to become umbillically attached to the box it came in. In fact we, like mugs, kept that box in our lounge for her to play in almost until the next Christmas.

5. How is it that you can offer a child an item of food, which they refuse, only for you to sit down with the self-same item of food, only for them to then hover round, wanting whatever you have, DESPITE YOU OFFERING IT TO THEM TWO SECONDS BEFORE?!

Is there anything that you find utterly frustrating and mysterious about your child’s behaviour? Do share them with me below!