Looking around at the fashion that’s in the shops and on people I see in the streets, you could be forgiven for thinking that we’d woken up in the early nineties, and don’t get me wrong, there are things about that which I LOVE. Plaid shirts, Dr. Martens, double buns and ripped jeans are all SO welcome in my wardrobe but there are a few things which have made a resurgence which really are not for 2016-me. Here’s a run down of the things which 32 year old me would love to get involved with but just simply cannot:

Chokersnot-a-good-look

I won’t lie; when I saw kids wearing chokers again, I was a little bit excited. I used to LOVE my tattoo choker (you remember those stretchy plastic swirly ones?) and had it in black AND rainbow colours, and I even had a velvet choker which I made myself for special occasions. “Awesome!”, 32 year old me, thought. “Lets get a choker”.

Then, Sausage made me one out of loom bands and I realised that my jowls hang down over the front of it, making it look like I have a tourniquet around my neck and my head is a swollen balloon of flesh floating above, which is just about as far from a good look as I could possibly have imagined, and is exactly why chokers will not be making a regular appearance in my wardrobe.

Crop Tops

crop top

Not actually me…but probably not far off of what I’d look like in a crop top.

I mean…do I really need to elaborate here? I barely wore crop tops when they were in fashion 20 years ago but now, after two c-sections and, let’s face it, an adulthood of gluttony, crop tops are something that only other people wear. Don’t get me wrong, I have seen women of my age and even older wearing them, rocking the whole ‘high waited skirt/crop top’ thing and looking pretty classy, but even the TOP of my tummy is a mass of stretchmarks and therefore a NO SHOW AREA.

Underwear as Outerwear

miss-hannigan

Ah, I remember the good old days when silk nighties became fashionable and every dress on the market looked like lingerie. In fact, I actually owned one myself, which was probably wildly inappropriate because I was about 13 at the time but still had D-cup boobs, so I probably looked like a tiny prostitute. Apparently, silk slips have made a come back, but the best chance of me embracing this trend is when I nip to McDonalds drive-thru at 11.30pm when I’ve got a severe McNugget jones and don’t want to change out of my slippers. Silk nighties – NO. UGG slippers – YES.

Tiaras 

just-no

So, according to some mush who works for Yves Saint Laurent, we’re all supposed to be wearing tiaras with everything this season, a la Courtney Love with her smeared lipstick. I can assure you, if I started wearing a tiara on the school run and round Aldi, my family would seriously start looking into having me sectioned.

Dungarees

bella-dungarees

See, this one makes me sad. I would LOVE to rock a set of dungarees and I think they look lush on other people. I, however, am not built for dungarees. Carrying as much weight around my centre mass and having as large a bust as I do would absolutely guarantee that I would look less Kate Bosworth and more Bella from the Tweenies…

Do you have any current trends that you’d love to wear but just have to steer clear of? I’d love to hear about them so do leave me a comment below!