Baby · Family · Pregnancy

No More Babies?

baby clothes bundleCan you believe BB is almost 5 months old? How can it possibly have gone that fast? Being the dinky dot that she is (more about that in another post), she’s only just gone up to wearing 3-6 month sized clothes and yesterday, I sorted and bagged up all of her newborn and 0-3 month sized stuff to make way for the clothes that fit her. Once I finished, I stood looking at the bag full of tiny rompers and scratch mits and suddenly I felt desperately sad.

I never thought I’d have kids.

Years of gynae problems, starting age 11, meant that it had always been made very clear to me that I’d probably find it hard to conceive, so I galvanised myself by “deciding” that I never wanted kids anyway; a pre-emptive strike against heartache and disappointment. Then I met Husband and things changed. Sausage was conceived after about 18 months of trying and so commenced one of the most miserable pregnancy and labour experiences that one could ever endure. I never wanted to repeat the experience again. I genuinely considered having my tubes tied.

But, bad memories fade and heartache is more of an occasional throb once time has passed, and instead of thinking about what could go wrong if we had another baby, we started to think about all of the things that could go right. We wanted Sausage to have a sibling, an ally in the world when Husband and I cannot be, and we couldn’t see how having another Sausage could ever be a bad thing, so off we went on our mission to try again. And it worked. Quickly this time, as BB was conceived after just 3 months.

Another miserable pregnancy, but in different ways this time; no oesophagus-tearing morning sickness this time, but insulin injections and a million hospital appointments, leaving me weary and more than ready to never be pregnant again by the time BB came along.

And, come along she really did.

The labour was beautiful, a healing experience for both Husband and I, though the subsequent weeks were anything but. BB was diagnosed with a cows milk allergy, but only after about 14 weeks of pain and misery; we were told is was colic, then reflux and she was tried on two different formula milks, Gaviscon to add weight to her food, ranitidine to try to stem what was assumed to be acid reflux, lactulose to deal with the subsequent constipation caused by the thicker milk…making a bottle for my baby ended up being more like using a chemistry set.

As a final attempt before referring her to a paediatrician, our GP recommended that we try her on Nutramigen, a formula milk made without cows milk and almost immediately it was like we had a different baby. The 6-hour screaming sessions (please believe me when I tell you that is NO exaggeration) stopped and suddenly BB was laughing and smiling more often, sleeping through the night and able to get through the day without pain and discomfort. I could have kissed our GP, though I fear she may have objected somewhat. It changed all of our lives.

We’ve started to find balance.

I can do things with Sausage without having to worry about BB screaming all the time; she’s still a fairly vocal baby and she’s been teething for a few weeks, so things are by no means perfect but they’re a whole lot better. Better, I’ll take.

So, what does my sadness at packing all of the baby clothes up mean? Is it my body’s way of telling me that I do want another baby at some point? Many of the clothes I put away were Sausages’ first, then stored and passed down to BB. Looking at some of those precious little babygrows and knowing that they’ll never have another one of my babies in them again makes me feel more than a little bereft.

But.

And there are SO many ‘buts’.

I’m now over 30. I’m lucky to have managed to have two healthy children already and having another increases the chances of something going wrong. I really don’t do ‘pregnancy’ very well. I still have a bunch of weight to lose that I was supposed to get rid of before BB even came along. We don’t have the space.  Having another means splitting ourselves into even smaller pieces to make sure they’re all being cared for.

And yet, despite all those buts, I still can’t get my head (or my ovaries) around the thought of never doing it again.

Maybe its just my hormones.

15 thoughts on “No More Babies?

  1. So much of this sounds familiar – I didn’t have the awful pregnancies that you had, although I do very much dislike being pregnant, but I’m now at stage where our second child is 20 months old and I’ve got rid of baby stuff, but I’m still not sure, not 100% whether I’m done. Do I really want to stop here? Yes most days, no some days. Such a hard decision to make. Good luck x

  2. It’s difficult one to get your head around. For me, I know I am done now and I think I’m at peace with that… for now. My body is still in a mess and I doubt very much I could mentally and physically cope with another pregnancy/newborn. The thought of having a 3rd being in this house to raise makes me shudder slightly, as much as I love my brood. Maybe I’d feel differently if we had a bigger house and more money… (or several more hands) … who knows!

    ps. 8 weeks till the Mads! woohoo!

  3. Oh lovely, I hear ya. I don’t think it’s an easy decision for many people. T is now 5 and I still have all his little babygros in the cupboard because it’s such a big thing to say ‘definitely no more’. You don’t need to make a decision either way until you’re ready, there’s no set timetable that you need to follow except the one that feels right to you xxx

  4. I only have two kids and I desperately wanted a third. My husband didn’t, he thought two was the magic number! It’s funny how life led us in so many different directions at the time when I could have maybe persuaded him, but we still have two amazing kids. Sometimes life takes you where you need to go and if it’s meant to be it will. The magical moments we have with our kids never stop, they become different as they get older but they are still so precious. Looking back a third would have been great but I’m so thankful for what I have.

  5. I know exactly how you feel although mine are older than your two.

    They’re 11 and 9 so I have a much easier time of it (until teen hormones kick in) as they’re quite easy children if you know what I mean. I feel almost as if they don’t need me as much now and I’d love another one. My husband’s had his tubes ties though and has said no though to even considering our options for having a third.

    Understandable I guess but still…..

  6. I know how you feel…my youngest is now 19 months old and i would so love to have another baby but i know that a 3rd operation will not be the best and plus i have so much weight i need to get rid of it still….I would so love a baby! Maybe it will come a boy this time around…

  7. It’s such a complicated bag of thoughts and feelings isn’t it, and it can be hard even when what you have immense gratitude for the humans you have already brought into the world. However we are incredibly resilient and have a way of making the best of what we are given. If you do have more though, I don’t think it’s a case of splitting yourself more, it’s about becoming more present, you spend less time rafting and more time loving, (not that that can’t be achieved even if you have no children). What will be, will be, and has been will serves as a reminder of how lucky you really are. Much love.

  8. The world works in mysterious ways. Who knows. Maybe. I had a third when I wan nearly 40 after two prems. But agree that two is good – you run out of hands at 3!

  9. I get sad every time I pack up another set of out-grown clothes. At first I thought I was sad that I knew I would never be having any more babies (even though the idea of pregnancy and childbirth mostly fills me with dread and I’m relieved I never have to do that again), but then I realised that really I’m just sad to be saying goodbye to the babies I have. I love each new stage and it’s so incredible to watch them grow and change, but some days it’s like the child who greets you in the morning is a completely different person to the one you said goodnight to. I love my boys so much as they are and it’s exciting to see who they will become, but I will probably always miss them as newborns and at every other stage that has passed. I don’t want another baby, but I do wish I had a time machine so that every so often I could go back and smell my newborn or tickle my toddler or listen to those fabulous one-year-old belly laughs 🙂 It really does all pass much too fast and sometimes I feel like a stage has ended long before I’ve had my fill of it.

  10. I hear you loud and clear too… I do often wonder what if too, I am 38 though so time is running out. Although a good friend of mine has just announced she is expecting her third at the age of 44!

  11. That is such a tough decision to make and I remember it well. I didnt’ want more babies after three but I didn’t not want babies. That makes so sense in black and white but the idea of having my tubes tied and not being able to have any more seemed so final, though I knew I really didn’t want anymore.

    When I was medically advised mid pregnancy that this had to be my last (I cannot tell you how ill I was) pregnancy the doctors sort of made the decision for me. And since it was to be an elective c section I was sterilised at the same time.

    A really hard choice to make and one I didnt regret until I got divorced and my ex got his new girlfriend pregnant and I met Mr B who didnt have kids.

    I dont know where I am going with this comment but I just wanted to say I hear you.

  12. I totally know where you are coming from. Sebby is definitely our last baby as hubby has been snipped and I still get pangs of longing for another baby, however,I have ten years on you and at 40 things are much more risky. I had a rough pregnancy with Seb as they thought he had downs and all the tests that come with that plus diabetes and an emergency section.
    Not having another is the right descision for us but you’re young enough to not have make that choice just yet!

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