Family · Happiness · Parenting

Scared.

Last time I was pregnant, I had a sense of foreboding in me, something that told me that it wasn’t going to end well. As I went under the general anaesthetic for my emergency c-section, the last thing I remember was feeling an overwhelming sadness, convinced that I’d never wake up again and never get to meet the baby that I’d grown and felt kicking inside me. As it stands, I did wake up, but the feeling of foreboding had turned into one of extreme worry about my baby, who was unable to regulate her own breathing and she’d had the suck reflex traumatised right out of her.

It took 5 years to come to terms with those feelings and contemplate the thought of having another child, and ultimately, the want to add to our little family and give Sausage a sibling was stronger than my fears about ‘The Worst’ happening all over again. Of course, with new pregnancy comes new anxieties – will I make it to that ‘safe’ 12 week point? Will the scans be normal? Will I develop any pregnancy related illnesses along the way?

All in all, I’ve managed to get through the last 17 weeks without allowing too many of these fears to creep in. I’m acutely aware of how damaging stress can be, and despite bereavement, drama and everyday worries, I’ve done my best to maintain an aura of calm, a shell around the baby to protect it from stress at all cost.

But, as I sit here with the rest of the household fast asleep, I must admit, I’m scared.

I’m scared of what might go wrong over the next 20 weeks, I’m scared that the dynamic of our family life will change, that Sausage might feel left out and that it might damage our relationship. I’m scared that I’ll have forgotten how to do all of the practical things, or that at almost 30 I won’t have nearly the stamina for nighttime feeds and sleepless nights that I did at 24. I’m scared that I’ll have to start injecting insulin every day if my diabetes gets out of control, I’m scared of having a spinal to numb me for my elective c-section and I’m equally scared of being put under by general anaesthetic, having that same feeling that I might never wake up again.

And, do you know what? This is just the tiny tip of a very big iceberg.

But then, I think about how amazing Sausage is, and what an awesome person she’s grown up to be. I think about what an excellent big sister she’s going to be and how she’s already started putting toys and books aside that she wants her little brother or sister to have. I think about the nighttime feeds and not about how tiring they are, but how nice those times are, having sleepy snuggles whilst watching rubbish late night TV. I think about what a good Dad Husband is to Sausage and how great it is that another child will benefit from having him as a father. Most of all, I think about how happy Sausage has made, and continues to make, us and I realise that is this next child is even a fraction as wonderful as its big sister, I don’t have anything to be scared of.

16 thoughts on “Scared.

  1. I always felt I was the only one who worried so intensely during pregnancy but reading your post and the comments certainly disproves that.

    I worried about the changing family dynamic, too, and I can say that even though my kids fight like cats and dogs at times, they love each other and will some day be the best of friends. It is so very sweet how your little one is setting aside books for the baby.

    1. Phew! I’m glad it’s not just me, although to an extent I kinda wouldn’t wish this upon anyone else, so I’m sorry you’re a worrier too. We’re very proud of how Sausage is dealing with everything, she’s going to be a great big sister. Thanks for commenting xx

  2. I completely and utterly understand why you are scared, pregnancy is scary. Having had such a terrible pregnancy last year, I can honestly tell you I know, have felt and understand every fear you are having but what I have learnt since is that by seeing and watching every healthy pregnancy develop, likes yours, it gives me hope.

    It is natural to worry during pregnancy there is so much change going on, and so many hormones flying around, just remember to not bottle them all up, talk about it as fears can be so easily diminished when they are out in the open! XXXX

    1. Thanks Louise, having such a lovely group of people who read my blog and allow me to vent really helps and I feel better already, just knowing that I’m not alone in my fears and that everything really will be okay in the end. Thanks for your support xx

  3. Oh honey, it’s totally understandable I had an elective one as my last one and you can read here how terrified I was going in that day http://www.susankmann.com/2013/01/final-bump-post-and-birth-day.html After two traumatic births this was to be an easy one. I was looking back but I didn’t feel it at that time. You have to put trust in those around you and the doctors and nurses who will help you through it. Everything will be fine, but you have to think that. All these hormones flying around don’t help you think logically. Hugs xx

    1. Thanks Susan, it’s nice to read your post and know that I’m not alone in my fears and I really appreciate your kind words. Here’s hoping it all goes smoothly this time around. xx

  4. I’m usually fine during the day but if I wake in the night then the fears start creeping in and I struggle to keep the anxiety attacks at bay. Sometimes I worry about the birth and what if it goes wrong, this time I’m really scared of not only the risks to the baby but also there is a huge fear that if anything were to happen to me then I would be leaving my son motherless. But most of all I am scared of the changes in our family dynamic, after all this time with having my son as the centre of my universe I find it hard to imagine making him share that position. I’ve loved our time together just the two of us and as much as I want this other child I feel sad that this period of just me and my son will soon be over.

    But then I remind myself that with a new child the love is not halved, it grows beyond belief, and once this next baby arrives there will be so much love and so much going on that I doubt there will be a spare second in the day to feel afraid!

    It’s normal to worry, it’s a sign of just how much love you have for your family xx

    1. You sound like you’re in a very similar mindset to me, in terms of worrying about things, so I’m glad that I’m not the only one, but I hope your fears are put to rest over the next few months. Thanks for commenting and all your support xx

  5. Jayne, you know that I understand all of yohr fears. I hope you also know tnat I am here any time to listen. I also hope u can take comfort from bella, as I do om the days that luka’s birth vreeps in again. Elective sections are so different to the traumatic GA section we’ve both experienced. It IS possible for women like us to have a positive birth experience. And the rest of it will work out, I promise xxxxx

    1. Knowing how well things went for you with Bella is a huge factor in putting my mind to rest, seeing the healing effect that a calm birth has had on you is truly comforting. Thank you for your support, I really appreciate it xxxx

  6. I’m not the person who will ever be able to say “relax” and my best advice would be to heed every sense of anxiety and get it checked.

    I can tell you, because it was the mantra I had to chant to get myself through the sheer terror of the 8 months of my last pregnancy, that mostly it ends well and mostly it will all be fine. Your odds are good.

    And I can definitely tell you, as mum of a big family, that you will always find love and space and enough of you for all of your kids. And a few days after this one arrives, it will amaze you they were not always part of your family. Promise.

    1. Oh Merry, your comment has me close to tears. Last time I was CONVINCED that something was going to go wrong, almost the whole way through and I think the fact that it did go so monumentally wrong is why I’m finding it hard to switch off my inner voice this time. However, I think last time it was instinct and this time it’s residual feelings left over from our trauma. Having said that, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to turn the anxieties off completely and I’ll definitely listen to my body as closely as before.

      I can’t wait for number two to feel like they’ve been around forever, I think maybe then my worries will start to abate…a bit, anyway!

      Thank you so much for your comment and your support, I really appreciate it.

  7. Those feelings are all completely normal. I felt all of that, and having had elective surgery after my children were born I know that feeling of fear never goes away. But you just have to reassure yourself that 99.9% of the time these things turn out fine, that you have it in you – no matter what challenges come along – to make sure it turns out fine, and that you are doing a great job. Hang in there – it will be fine xxx

    1. Can I get a recording of you singing “99.9% of the time these things turn out fine” and haven them play it in theatre as I’m wheeled in? I think it would really help! Thanks for your comment and your support, it’s really appreciated. xx

  8. Oh Jayne, pregnancy is such an emotive time and your worries show your love to your family, present and future.
    I was so scared when I was pregnant with Kitty. I;d had 6 very normal, straightforward, textbook pregnancies and when we discovered she had an abnormal umbilical cord which meant she was only getting half the nutrients I worried myself sick, googled everything ever put on the internet about it (never a good idea) and cried and fretted. Because of that experience I worried when I was pregnant with Ozzy, even though it went normally. Because I always had the fear of what happened before, the negative experience that I had – on top of the usual pregnancy worries.
    One of the bets things about baby number 2 is the confidence that you didn’t have with the first one – I remember waking up my 1st baby to change his nappy because ‘the book I was givien’ told me they need nappies changed every 2 hours to stop nappy rash. Of course I never did that again with subsequent babies!Your experience of having a baby to look after before makes it so much easier and a 3 month old goes bananas to sitting in a bouncy chair watching his or her older sister playing and running around! You have built in family entertainment thanks to Sausage 🙂

    I don’t think that made much sense or helped but much love to you x

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