A few nights ago, I had a dream where I was back in senior school (although I think I was an adult) and I was running around the corridors, trying to remember where my locker was as I needed to clear it out before the end of term. In the course of the dream, I bumped into the ‘new headmaster’ (my senior school was headed my a formidable lady when I was there, but is now run by a man), with whom I started to argue.

It was all very run of the mill, but I awoke with a real sense of anxiety that I couldn’t shake all day. I was thinking about my dream later in the day and I realised that I have a lot of dreams about my school days, all of which are fraught with anxiety. In the majority of them, I’ve gone back as an adult, but am studying at the school to try to finish my A-Levels. In several of the dreams, I’ll be doing day-to-day things and then suddenly realise that I forgot to go to school, or that I go to school and realise that I’ve not been there for about ten years and all of my teachers are really cross with me.

If you read my post the other day, you’ll have cottoned on to the fact that I was, rather unceremoniously, asked to leave sixth form after two terms of horrific attendance. I’d met a boy, (who was a complete douche-nozzle, just FYI, but who’s ever managed to convince a 16 year old girl that she’s not in love when she thinks she is?) and had been spending more time at his house than in school. So I left, jumped into finding a job and was gainfully employed within a couple of weeks, but I’ve always wanted to finish my formal education.

In October, I’m going back to the Open University degree that I started in 2010, albeit with a different major. With my Mum now in possession of a degree and Husband and I getting our five year plan in order, it’s given me a kick up the bum to get myself some qualifications, and I’m hoping that it will give me some sort of closure.

Husband and I are the kind of people who believe that we wouldn’t change our pasts if we had the opportunity. We agree that there are things that we regret, to an extent, but if we changed our pasts we don’t know that we’d have ended up where we are now, and we’re both very happy with what we have. However, I know that we both feel that we’re not fulfilling our respective potential and, for me, finally getting my degree might help me to draw a line under my educational misdemeanors.

I think, realistically, it’s taken me this long to realise what I really want to do; at 18, I had NO idea of what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and I was secretly terrified of committing to a degree, racking up tons of debt and then realising that I didn’t actually like what I’d chosen after all. Leaving it until I’m 29 has given me a chance to find out who I am, which really helped with choosing. So, as of October, I’ll officially be on a path to gaining a BA/BSc in Social Policy and Criminology, two subjects that I feel that I can really get my teeth into and be truly stimulated by. My first module is ‘Welfare, Crime and Society’, which I cannot WAIT to start.

So, wish me luck…and let’s hope the weird anxiety dreams become a thing of the past!