Humour

Is She REALLY a Domestic Goddess?!

drawer-dirtyEveryone has at least one friend or relative who makes them feel like utter rubbish when it comes to matters of the home. You know the type, they usually have a gaggle of children all of whom are studious AND sporty, perfectly coiffured hair, a Cath Kidston tablecloth on her scrubbed wooden table, which sits in the ‘heart of the home’ kitchen with the Aga and Le Creuset casserole dishes. She has a job but also manages to volunteer in a charity shop and chair the PTA at her kids’ school. She’s provides her family with gourmet, highly nutritious meals every night of the week and still manages to keep her home looking like it’s straight out of the pages of Country Living. Oh, and I bet the bitch makes all of her own dresses too. And she’s amazing in bed.

Well, I’ve got 5 surefire tests which will help you discover if this paragon of domestic virtue is really all she seems. The Domestic Goddess test, if you will.

1. Check her Plugs

Does she have those automatic plugs in any of her sinks, the ones where you pull a lever or twist a dial to get them to pop up and down? She does? Right…pull it all the way out. There’s a plastic cage around the bottom to stop large items from going down the sink. If this woman is a Housework Charlatan, her plug cages will be clogged with hair and soap. They may have even gone brown or black with the soap residue.

2. Open the Washing Machine Drawer

Pull her washing machine drawer open. Just like the plug cages, washing machine drawers can go reallllly black and gunky if you don’t rinse out the washing powder and fabric softener residue. Any self-respecting Domestic Goddess will know this, so if your mate has gunky drawers *ahem*, you know it’s all a front.

3. The Dust Test

Okay, so even a homemaking halfwit knows that dust is a dead giveaway when it comes to giving an impression of cleanliness. Most people, however, if they are a total bodger, will only bother with eye-level. You want to get up HIGH, do they have an 8-foot bookcase? Get your hand up there and run it along. I bet it’s dustier than a bricklayers back pocket.

4. Lift The Couch Cushions

Let’s face it, this woman probably has antique Chesterfields or something, but if she has a sofa with detachable cushions, lift up the seat pads and take a peek underneath. There could be a multitude of sins hiding under there and only a real domestic goddess would have remembered to vacuum in the nooks and crannies.

5. Turn on the Shower

Limescale. It’s a son of a bitch. We’ve all seen the Barry Scott magic where you spray Cilit Bang on your showerhead and the jets start miraculously coming our straight again, but have you ever actually bothered to do it? Maybe your pal hasn’t either. Turn on her shower. If it sprays you in the face at a 90° angle, she’s limescaled up the wazoo and probably a pretender to the Queen of Clean throne.

So, there you have it. Five surefire ways to make you feel better and to effectively derelict the reputation of your “Wishes She was Nigella/Kim/Aggie rolled into one” pal.

**Disclaimer: There’s a very good chance that if you go around someone else’s home turning their shower on, lifting the couch cushions or scaling their bookcase, you may not remain friends with the for very long. And if you do need to go to these lengths to make yourself feel better, maybe a good look inwards is what you need.

You’re a dirty bitch. Deal with it.

Uncategorized

Warm My Cockles

The other day, I was talking to one of my Mother in Laws; she’s from Arkansas, where by next Monday they’ll be enjoying highs of 29°c, and has only lived in the UK for a couple of years. Our weather doesn’t sit hugely well with her, understandably, and she said that our winter has been so long and so wet that she feels like the damp has soaked into her bones. I TOTALLY understand that feeling, this winter has been far too long and it really doesn’t seem to be getting much better.

Last weekend, we had a day of nice-ish weather and because we live by the sea (or an estuary, if you want to be picky) we took Sausage to the seafront for an afternoon of arcades and doughnuts. When we got there we realised that not only had the majority of our town and the surrounding areas descended upon the prominade, but that most of them were very scantily dressed! It may have been sunny, but there was still a nip in the air, and I was shocked that everyone was so under-dressed. However, it got me to thinking; if people are thinking that this is all the summer we’re going to get, maybe they should be taking this opportunity to soak up some vitamins from the sun!

What we really need is a holiday, go somewhere where the sun is warm, the food is good and the sea is blue. Somewhere where we think more about suncream than raincoats, eat outdoors without worrying about getting soggy sandwiches and visit the beach in beachwear, not thick coats and hiking boots! It’s not all that easy for us to get away because we have Chuck to think about, but if we were to go aomewhere I’d be doing some serious discount hunting on the internet! I don’t know if it’s because I was born in the summer, but I’m definitely more of a fan of the warmer weather. My underactive thyroid means I’m cold most of the time but as soon as it gets to the end of March, I start to wonder when I can get my Birkenstocksand Havaianas out of the wardrobe and onto my feet.

Anyone got any good tips on how I can warm my cockles without spending a fortune or needing a dog-sitter?! Answers on a postcard, please…

Happiness · Parenting · Personal

More! Magazine – The End of an Era

more! magazineThis afternoon, I heard the news that More! magazine is ceasing publication after reader numbers have dwindled to an all-time low, and I have to say, I was a little bit saddened. As a teen, More! was about as edgy as it got when it came to reading material and my friends and I spent many a bus journey giggling at ‘Position of the Fortnight’ or reading in horror about peoples embarrassing experiences, usually involving a boy they fancied.

My Mum hated me reading More!, she saw the candid accounts of teenage sexuality as over-exposure for my young mind and often told me that I wasn’t allowed to buy it. I did, of course, and hid it in my locker at school or buried at the bottom of a school bag. Now that I’m a mother, I straddle the fence on the appropriateness of it for a 13-year-old, however I also think that there’s a huge amount of positivity to it too.

More! was the closest thing that we ever had to a ‘lad’s mag’, meaning that instead of wide-eyed patronisation, or flat-out saccharine coated ignorance, it addressed the issue of teenage girls being sexual creatures. Regardless of how much we’d like to deny it once we become parents, teenage girls are hormone-fuelled randy beasts in the same way that their male counterparts are and More! taught us that that’s not something to be ashamed of. To my mind, it empowered girls to have a say in sex, not just think that they had to lay back and think of England, but be an active and conscious participant. The problem pages taught us about thrush and STDs and contraception and hair in unwanted places and didn’t make us feel stupid for asking.

Magazines like More! are often held up as contributing towards the over-sexualisation of children, but I refute that and would argue that giving girls an honest education (over and above the sterile account they are fed in Sex-Ed classes) about the realities of sex is contributing to giving them confidence and agency over their own bodies. Perhaps giving them the confidence to say NO when it really matters, or to speak up when something that’s supposed to be fun and pleasurable is actually uncomfortable and upsetting. What More! did best was instill a sense of humour and light-heartedness into subjects which can be tricky for young girls to navigate, which was invaluable to us at the time.

So, it’s with sadness that I say a fond farewell to More! magazine. I can only hope that there’s something out there to help girls and young women in the same way that More! helped us.

The Gallery

The Gallery

This week’s Gallery theme is ‘Youth’ and whilst looking through some old photos, I found this one of my Mum. I’m pretty sure this is before she had me, I’d guess she was about eighteen here but I just think she looks awesome. I love her outfit, it’s something that I could totally see a girl of that age wearing today; who’d have thought I was related to a timeless style icon?!

And just in case you’re straining your eyes to read the back of that bloke’s cut, yes, it does say Hell’s Angels. My mother had a pretty colourful youth, so it seems totally appropriate to use this photo here! She actually looks a bit pissed off in the photo, but maybe that’s just her trying to look tough next to all those hairy bikers? (I’m fully lol-ing as my little mum is only 5’2″!).

Mum photo 41122_459296932447_1893419_n_zpsc8bac50f.jpg

TheGallery

Parenting

Get 2 free packs of Huggies Baby Wipes with Quidco

Even though Sausage is now 4, we still have the odd pack of baby wipes laying around, for hands and face after dinner or long car journeys and we always choose Huggies as they’re the only ones that don’t leave Sausage’s super-senstitive skin all red and bumpy. Let’s face it, finances are tight for most of the UK at the moment, that’s why Quidco is offering you the chance to pick up 2 free packs of Huggies Baby Wipes.

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