I want another baby.

Anyone who has read this blog over the past 2 years or knows me at all will know that this is a big statement. After having Sausage and the PTSD that followed, I honestly thought I’d never want any more children. The thought of going through a pregnancy and birth as hideous as my first was just too much to bear, let alone the thought of being unable to hold yet another baby for the first week of their life, having to view them through wires and tubes. I told myself I didn’t have enough love in me to share it between Sausage and another baby, I told myself that it would spoil the relationship I have with her, I told myself that I just couldn’t do it.

But, something has changed, be it the passing of time or seeing friends with babies or simply my biological clock, and it’s telling me I’m ready. I almost feel overwhelmed by that single thought, I never thought I’d be in this place or ready to do it all again, but I am.

Mentally, anyway. Physically? Not so much…

When I fell pregnant with Sausage, I was 23, about 3st overweight but generally healthy.

Now, I’m 28, diabetic, have an stupidly under active thyroid and am about 5st overweight.

If I thought the last pregnancy was hard, any future ones will be terrifying in my current physical state. I’ve written plenty of times about my intention to lose weight and nothing has ever come of it, save for dropping half a stone here and there, only to put it back on again. But I need to do this, for many reasons.

The main one is Sausage. She’s been around for 4 years and has witnessed my unhealthy relationship with food, no matter how much I kid myself that I hide it. Yes, she’s four, but that’s still plenty young enough to change my ways and for it to have a really positive impact on her.

Also, while I want my body to be healthy enough to cope with pregnancy, I want to be able to still be Sausage’s Mummy. I don’t want to have to change what we do because of being pregnant, so getting fit and strong will be a real help with that. Last time around I suffered with SPD, hyperemesis gravidarum, high blood pressure, swollen ankles and hands and gestational diabetes, all of which I’m hoping will be improved by being fitter and stronger. It may all still happen, but at least I’ll be able to say that I did everything I could to prevent it.

So, what’s the plan?

I’m going to learn to run.

I realise I already know how to run, but for someone as unhealthy and unfit as me, it’s not as simple as putting on some trainers and pounding the pavement (or maybe it is?) but I’ll have a little help from ‘Get Running’, an iPhone app designed to get you from couch to 5km in nine weeks. That’s right, if I start today I could be running 5k non-stop by 23rd October. Exciting, eh? So I’m going to start later today and will blog about my progress with this program in the hope of inspiring anyone else who wants to give it a go but just doesn’t feel confident enough. I’m going to hit the ‘Thinking Slimmer’ hard again too in the hope that I can sort out my dependence on food.

As well as being fit and healthy, I have a secondary goal, which is being able to do Race for Life in 2013 at a run, rather than a fast walk. In 2011, my time was around 45 minutes, 2012 was about 42 minutes – I want 2013 to be nearer the 25 minute mark.

Wish me luck!