Depression · Personal

MISSING: One Sense of Self-Worth

It’s a funny thing, self-worth. Despite the fact that the point of self-worth is ‘what you think of yourself’, it can be intrinsically linked to what others think of you. I think anyone who reads my blog regularly will know that it’s not been the best year for me. I don’t mean to be all ‘boo-hoo’, I know people out there who’ve had it a lot worse than me, but I’m really struggling to remember what the point of me is.

I know it’s depression and hormones and goodness-knows what else talking, but I feel like I’m treading water with a big weight tied to my foot, trying to drag me down. I can’t remember any ways in which I’m of any use to anyone anymore.

Yesterday was particularly black for me. I spent a  lot of it crying, sometimes because of how I feel, sometimes because of stupid things like Mo Farah’s wife being pregnant with twins. No, I don’t know why that made me cry either. I spent all day thinking about the fact that Husband and Sausage would be better off without me. I tend to just mess things up, like forgetting to pay bills and stupid things that should be second nature to me by now. I’m 28, for fuck’s sake, I’ve been married for 6 years and a mother for four of them. I look at my life and I can’t think of a single thing that I’m needed for. Everything could function just as well without me, probably to a much better degree of efficiency. It’s not like I even have a job where I’m able to contribute any decent amount to the family coffers.

I don’t feel like a very good mother. And what makes it worse is that it’s self-perpetuating, I feel like a shit mum, I get depressed, the depression turns me into a self-loathing waste of space and I behave like a shit mum. How do I ever win?

I’ve suffered with depression and low self-esteem for a long time, but I don’t think it’s ever been this bad.

I don’t really know what to do.

I don’t want to take pills.

No, that’s not true, I do want to take pills, I want to swallow a little magic tablet once a day and feel numb to it all, but I won’t. That’s not a judgement of others, it’s more to do with the fact that I’ve tried them once before and they made me feel worse and if I’m honest, I’m quite scared of them. My Nan has taken Prozac for about 15 years and she’s probably the most miserable person I’ve ever met.

Husband’s answer was exercise. He said that releasing endorphins will make me feel better and have the added bonus of making my disgusting carcass (MY words, not his) get a bit less fat, which will have a knock-on effect with improving my self-esteem. He’s completely right, but for some reason that I’ve not even worked out for myself yet, this made me want to murder him. Or at least hit him quite hard.

I have to try something. I feel like my soul has been put into a sack and beaten repeatedly with a bat.

12 thoughts on “MISSING: One Sense of Self-Worth

  1. Hi.
    All I was doing tonight was looking up self worth tonight as I have been in therapy 8 months now. I know how you feel as I found out so many more than I expected have been there (of course I thought it was only me lol). As an ex fitness instructor I have to agree that’s a great idea to get to a gym. BUT allow a couple of months for the feel good factor to kick in the you will fly.
    with in my 8 months I have changed sooooo much. Never saw it coming. my reason was relationships. I could not stand my own space. I’m so happy now that I have found it. I have a step soon who is 22 and a marine who I’m so proud of!!. I think my point is this. you ARE a mum, wife and you sound a lovely person. I think you know, as your writing about it, that your not happy but remember there is never an on coming train at the end of the tunnel!’. Be proud your a mum of 4 (that’s big in its self in my book). wake up tomorrow, punch the air, look deep into the mirror and tell yourself it’s the day you changed your life. bloodybloody big smile and go get the world tiger. sending you a very big hug and all the happiness you deserve….. Lloydy. xxx

  2. I experience the low self-esteem for a long time in our first 5 years of marriage life. I’m lucky that my parents and siblings are always there to support us and to encourage. Until I learn an online jobs, this is the start of biggest change of our life.

  3. Oh lovely firstly I want to say you are not a rubbish mum! I know you wont listen to that but you are not. I hope that writing all this down has helped you I really do and I kind of agree with hubby, don’t you slap me that exercise will help. Have you tried the thinking slimmer slimpods at all? Just an idea I know they have done wonders for people and they don’t just do slimming ones just a thought big hugs and lots of love being sent your way xxx

  4. I am so sorry to read this but please know that you are most definitely not alone. Another commenter mentioned counselling and I agree that this might be the way to go. I think sometimes it helps to take baby steps too and I agree with your husband about the exercise thing (please don’t hit me!) but it does have an amazing effect I find. Also getting out for a walk can be good to really clear the cobwebs away. Take care of you and please keep talking. I think you have more support out there than you might have realised x

  5. Oh well done you I feel like this to and I am waiting on an appointment to see the doctor as Speak. I really hope you get through it and please dm or email me if you ever ever feel lows. Hugs to you.

  6. I came to your blog looking for the linky for your ‘closer to nature’ photos. The first post I see from your home page was this.
    I’m a few years older than you and have suffered with clinical depression twice since my boys were born.
    My answer here would be too long so I’ll write a post – it’ll probably be quite cathartic….
    Please don’t feel you’re worthless, you have a hubby that loves you and you’re a mummy. We all have good and bad days but depression makes you feel every day is a shade of black.
    If you’ve not seen your GP yet PLEASE do go along. They can ask you a series of questions that will assess your depression. I thought I’d get better without medication but I didn’t. I took meds for about 9 months and feel so much better now.

    Stay as strong as you can and vent your feelings here.. you can always get a virtual hug

  7. Oh my lovely, huge hugs! I feel your every word as I’ve been there too. That is actually the reason I started blogging in Feb this year. My own personal therapy and in doing that I have “met” so many lovely supportive people who want nothing but the best for me.
    I didn’t want to take pills and resisited them for ages. Things got so bad I couldn’t look after the boys and my husband was thinking of giving up work. I packed my bag and got a few things together ready to leave. They would all be better off without me. My husband cried and begged me not to leave. He said he would do anything to help if I would only stay. Ive seen him cry once before that!
    I felt I owed it to him and my boys to fix myself up so I wasn’t a burden. For whatever reason they needed me so I had to be my best or at least better for them. I started my pills 3 days later and although it was tough in the begining I havent looked back. I blogged daily about how I felt and that got me through each day.
    I don’t want to advise you either way as it is totally your choice entirely. If sharing my journey helps you decide either way than I’m glad I could help.
    Hang in there my lovely. The sun WILL come out and chase your shadows away.

    Lots of love Kat xxxx

  8. Jayne that sent shivers through me.

    Sometimes I meet someone who seems to have everything under control and I am momentarily envious of their order. Then I realise that their order rarely allows them to be flexible or spontaneous and that they are actually limited by their organised gene.

    Many fellow mummy bloggers on the other hand complain of messy houses, lack of order and worry about their parenting skills.
    I can’t help but feel that there is an association between the creative and messy genes, a link between the peaks and troughs of moodswings and the amazing ability to write beatifully and run a great website.
    When you are feeling down it can be hard to appreciate the things you are good at and doing well and easy to focus on negatives. Questioning your parenting skills has to be one good indicator of how much you care, doesn’t it?
    And the bills? Annoying but not the end of the world. We ALL make mistakes – yes really! As a friend of mine once said when I was disappointed in myself after something much worse than that
    “Don’t beat yourself up about it” and I really try to remember that when I’m low
    Good post Jayne. Thanks for sharing it.

  9. Oh Jayne! I’m so sorry to read this and I hope u were at least able to feel a sense of relief for writing it down. U know that u are incredibly important to a lot of people, this is just an illness speaking. I agree with the others, but I know that I have refused pills myself in the past so I won’t advise you on that. All I will say is that yes, you have been through some pretty awful crap lately and its no wonder ur feeling down. Perhaps speaking to someone will help? I have my first counselling session next week so if u like i will hold your hand.

    Xxx

  10. First and foremost you are NOT a rubbish mum. Anyone who reads your blog can tell you that. It is obvious that you adore Sausage and that you try to be there for her and do your best by her. Sadly I could name a few mums who don’t. Sausage needs you and that on its own means that you have massive value. I knew someone who died recently leaving behind an 18-month-old son. He will only ever know his mum through photos and stories. He will not remember her comforting voice, her laugh or the way she used to hug him. Do these simple things every day, make sure they are so ingrained in Sausage’s mind that she couldn’t possibly ever forget them, and you will be of enormous worth to her.

    I often feel like I’m the only one left who hasn’t been put on anti-depressants, although I have been offered them enough times. God only know I have my downs, but I am scared of medication. I’m scared because I have seen the effect that it can have on people and because I know far too many people who have ended up on meds for years. Like the previous writer said, it’s fine to use crutches, we all need them now and again, but I personally feel that if you need to be on crutches for years then you should probably be using some sort of therapy too. If you do yourself a serious injury you would use crutches but you would also have physiotherapy, if you have a long-term mental problem then taking the meds is fine but without other support it is just a plaster but nothing will heal.

    But of course the main thing to remember is that getting depressed is perfectly normal. We all have low points in our lives and sometimes these periods can feel like they last forever. It’s a shame that doctors think handing out pills will solve everything but they won’t give you a job or fix anything else that you are unhappy with and until those issues are resolved I doubt that meds would help much anyway. Meds are great when there is a true clinical problem but not if your depression is the result of your current circumstances. Only you can know what is really causing it and what action is best for you.

    For me, the only really effective treatment I’ve found is going for a walk somewhere peaceful. I know that it can be incredibly hard to convince yourself to go out at all when you feel low but it really does help. If it’s sunny then go for a walk along the beach, if it’s raining then stick on your anorak and go for a walk in the woods where the trees will shelter you from most of the wind and rain. There is a very different sense of peace and quiet in these places. When you are at home the silence can be deafening and you find that you are drowning in your thoughts and can’t really get a grip on any of them, but outside the quiet can bring a serenity that actually helps to calm those thoughts so that you can begin to bring them together and start formulating a plan of action or even just allowing you the time to make that mental change from dark to light again. I know it all sounds a bit hippy but it costs nothing to give it a try and it’s worked endless times for me and many others.

    On one final note, you may not have much of a sense of self-worth right now but please know that you have great worth to me. I love your blog posts, not enough people share themselves so freely and it is always a huge help to know that we are never really alone in the way we think and feel.

    xxx

  11. Oh Jayne, I’m so glad you wrote this! So many of us do this to ourselves and for so many different reasons.

    Your purpose? To be you! To find out who you are, what makes you, what makes you happy, what makes you a person that people want to know, what makes you happy with who you are. This isn’t always an easy journey and it’s not one that necessarily has a definitive destination….. “Life is a journey, not a destination” is one of my favourite phrases.

    You write. You write well. You write with passion and truth and honesty. There’s a lot to be said for that. In having written this post, you will – without question – have helped people.

    As for the depression – I’ve suffered for many years for various reasons. I refused point blank to take anti-depressants for many years. I saw it as a sign of weakness to give in to tablets. Then one day my doctor said to me “if you broke your ankle, you’d use crutches until it healed. This is no different.” I think I cried then. I’ve been on medication for several years now. There are times when I get low, but I accept that – it’s natural! We can’t all be Pollyanna all the time!! And in my head seeing them as a type of crutch really helps. I’ve actually reduced my dosage recently and am feeling better than I have in a long time.

    For me, one of the most pivotal things anyone has said to me, when I’ve been at a low ebb is “it’s allowed!” – and it is. It’s ok to be sad sometimes, to cry, to want to shout or run away…it makes us human! What we need to do is stop giving ourselves a hard time about it.

    Sending you massive hugs.

    M xx

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.