In the words of Bjork…

“Violently happy, I’m daring people to jump off roofs with me”.

Wait. Wrong song. What I meant to say was:

“It’s oh so quiet…”

Although, to be fair, the jumping off roofs part might be more accurate. This week has been Sausage’s first week of full sessions at nursery, so she’s been out from 9am until we collect her at midday. And do you know what? I’m fucking miserable. I know I use the f-word too much, but this time the occasion really called for it. I needed some oomph and emphasis so you know that I really am truly miserable. I’m well aware of the fact that it’s entirely selfish and self-indulgent misery, but I don’t care.

“Take some time for yourself”, everyone keeps saying. So I am. I’m taking the time during these boring, lonely, shitty three hours to sit and miss my daughter.

Next week it’ll be different, I’ll be out at work while she’s at nursery, so I’m hoping it won’t seem as utterly pointless as it does now, to have other people looking after her while I twiddle my thumbs. And fortunately today is her last nursery day this week, she’s off now until next Tuesday, so I get to have four whole greedy days with her until it all starts over again.

I’m doing my best to keep in mind that it’s all for her. She’s been getting over the tail-end of a cold and has had a couple of not-so-great night’s sleep in the last week, but despite all of this she’s told me every day that she resolutely wants to go to nursery. I wanted to keep her at home, but as long as she wants to go, I have to let her. Although, if she ever tells me she doesn’t want to go anymore, it’s game over for nursery and I’m taking my kid back!

I realise I’m probably being entirely irrational and I know the benefits of her going (at the moment) outweigh the negatives, but I’ve spent every waking moment with that kid since we were allowed to take her home from hospital (bar the occasional night out and trip to the shops) so shipping her out for three non-compulsory hours, three times a week feels totally unnatural.

Sausage seems to love it. She skips to nursery every day, loves playing with her cousin, who is in her class, and runs in every day without a backward glance. We did have an incident yesterday where I walked in to collect her and she burst into tears, but her keyworker said she’d been happily playing all morning and hadn’t shown any sign of being sad. Maybe it was just tiredness?

But either way, as I sit here in my strangely quiet living room and contemplate my daughter being quarter of a mile away, I can honestly say that it sucks to be away from her. But, for her sake, I guess it’s something I’ll have to learn to deal with.

3 thoughts on “In the words of Bjork…

  1. its so hard, i really feel for you, my oldest is 13 and way to close, in my opinion, to flying the nest and i can’t bear it!
    the thing is that they grow up way too quickly but they will always be our babies, nothing is ever quite like Mama when it comes down to it!

    your sadness will very soon turn into proudness for her doing so well at nursery (((hugs)))

  2. I know how you feel. I hate leaving them at ursery during the holidays as it seems silly when I can take care of them myself. But you KNOW that in the long run, interaction with other kids is only going to be a good thing and school will not be a shock. You are doing the right thing. Chin up lovely

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