Anger

Cancer is a C*nt.

I feel that I should preface this post by saying that there is a lot of bad language, a lot of emotion and a whole load of anger. If you’re sensitive or easily offended, don’t read it as I will not apologise for a single word of it.

What do you say to a person who has been told they’re going to die? When a person is ill, even seriously ill, but there’s a glimmer of hope you can do your best with “I’m sure it’ll be fine” or “stay positive” or even “don’t worry, I’ll be praying for you”. But when someone has been sent home from hospital, being told that there’s no more that can be done to save them from a disease, what do you say? That’s not a hypothetical musing, I genuinely need some help with this.

Because what I really want to say is “Fuck you, cancer, you’re a cunt”.

It may be a complete cliche, but cancer is indiscriminate. Cancer doesn’t give a fuck whether you’ve been a brilliant person, whether you’re too young to die or have a shit load of potential that won’t be fulfilled. I’ve heard so many people say “It’s not fair, why do nice people get ill when there are paedophiles and serial murderers in prisons who never suffer?”. And the only answer I can give is that cancer DOES. NOT. GIVE. A. FUCK.

I cannot even begin to imagine how scary it must be to be told that you only have a certain amount of time to live. I’m not afraid to admit that I’m terrified of my own mortality and I think that comes from my internal conflict over the afterlife. See, I do believe in a ‘higher power’. I look at the universe and I feel that I couldn’t not believe in a higher power, at the very least something or someone to plant the seed from which everything as we know it grew. But I also have a more scientific, reasoned side to brain which tells me that everything is carbon and will be once again, and that’s all there is to it.

But then, I’ve not suffered, have I? I’ve not opened my eyes in the morning, only for the pain to kick in and just wish that it would all go away, wishing for sweet release from a body that’s letting you down.

I just don’t know how to get my head around it.

Maybe it’s down to experience. My Nan died about 7 years ago and while that was utterly heartbreaking, she was an old lady and she’d been ill for a while. It’s easier to reconcile something when you can get your head around the timing.  Old people are supposed to die. It’s shit, but they’ve had their life, left their footprint on the world and we can let them go with the most minute amount more ease than someone whose death is untimely.

I guess the point is, I’m really fucking angry.

I’ve not cried. I’m not quite sad yet. I’m numb, I’m waiting for the worst to happen, I swing from being confused to enraged to totally and utterly devoid of words to even explain how I feel. I can’t even begin to imagine how my Dad must feel, how her Mum must feel. All I know is, I’m devastated for them all.

So, I’ll say it again. Cancer is a cunt. And that’s all there is to it.

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15 thoughts on “Cancer is a C*nt.

  1. Such a powerful post and I hope it helped you to write it. Went on the cancer journey with my Mum. I guess if we care, they have left a legacy whatever their age. Thanks for sharing with me

  2. Wow, sorry to bring a dampener on this, but none of the illnesses are great whether Cancer, heart disease, osteoarthritis and a myriad of other diseases.
    The human condition is eventually we all have to die, its just a question of what, how and when.
    It breaks down to what suffering of pain someone has, then the death itself and the timing.
    None of these are great, I think the most we can hope for, is dying peacefully.
    This also has its problems for the relatives left behind, I can tell you the shock of this is traumatic in the extreme.
    We all get caught up in the way someone dies and the timing.
    When it a is a recent bereavement, its all so condensed
    All I can say with time, you can disassociate everything else and get some sort of peace about the actual passing away, because this is what it is all about, how that person affected you in their life.
    For some when the death is violent, this takes a lot longer because of the nature of the death, but it still comes down to the acceptance of the death, then the mourning can take place, then the nice memories can shift into gear.
    The experience of Death is not all bad, a lot of people achieve a very spiritual awareness and a emotional clarity at this time, which makes it all the more poignant.
    I think it also makes you a better person within and able to have a deeper understanding of what people go through when faced with a passing away,
    How can any of us really know what the experience of loss is till it happens.
    One minute you are innocent about death, then you become experienced, I am still not sure what is the best state

  3. I lost my Dad to cancer 2 years ago and he was only 62. I expect it seems ‘old’ to some people but it really isnt. Not that age is relevant anyway. My Dad had terrible care from the hospital which contributed to the agony of the situation (we complained), so that’s my message. Make sure the family get every bit of help you/they/she deserves, which is often different from what is offered. I know the journey ahead of you I am sorry to say, so if you need to talk more email me.
    V
    xxx

  4. *massive hugs* I absolutely know where you’re at sweet heart, if you want to chat just shout. All I can say really is my Dad was told on various occasions that he only had 6 months or a year to live and he kicked cancer’s ass for another 7 years. The experts don’t always get it right. Just make every moment matter and show them how much you love them.

    Sending love and strength to you and yours xxx

  5. We’ve spoken on twitter about this, but I just wanted to pop over and leave a comment on here. I am so sorry about this affecting your family; cancer is horrendous and life-shattering. Treasure every second with her, fill her remaining days with happiness, family and love. Create memories and hold on tight to every sensation. Be brave my lovely.

  6. I’m so sorry Jayne, I’ve lost two dearly loved wonderful people in the same way, both long before their time. One of them was only in her 30’s and had two teenage sons and was only just starting out a new life after surviving a violent marriage. Life is cruel and I still don’t know what to say in these situations, only that each of us has to make sure we live and love as much as we can, appreciate every single moment, because no matter how we live our lives none of us can know when our time will come.

    The only very tiny little piece of good I can give you in this situation is that both of my dear friends died surrounded by their loved ones. They knew it was coming so they were able to say goodbye and had the people they loved with them at the very end. Death is always horrible but as most of us won’t know when it’s coming we will probably not have the people we love around us to send us off from this life.

    http://www.macmillan.org.uk – they really do help xxx

  7. Oh darling girl, you are totally right, it is a complete and utter cunt. And it is SO hard to understand why it never uses its evil to eradicate evil people.
    I imagine you’ll try to be strong for everyone, just don’t forget where I am if you need hugs/cake/shoulder/ear or anything else I can offer.
    Thoughts are with you, your dad and others who have had their lives touched by this obviously wonderful lady Xxx

  8. I agree with with every word written hun, all four of my grandparents have passed due to cancer, that alone is far too many for my liking!! My thoughts, and some huge hugs to you and your family hun xxx

  9. I don’t really like the c word but it’s a better word than cancer! Such a powerful and emotive post. And I am so sorry and ai agree with everything you have written. Sendng hugs xx

  10. This post gave me chills because i totally agree word for word what you have written. I have lost far too many relatives to cancer, some older some painfully young.

    I am thinking of you at this hard, sad time xx

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