Anger · Listography

Listography – Five Kids Shows Which Make Me Want to Stick a Hot Poker in My Eyes and Ears.

It’s no secret that we allow Sausage to watch TV, and there are a few firm favourites which will always get airtime, shows like Peppa Pig, Waybuloo, In the Night Garden, Yo Gabba Gabba, ZingZillas, and best of all, Octonauts, to name but a few. But there are those shows which I find so desperately irritating, that I try to steer Sausage away from watching them, for the sake of my own sanity. Without further ado, here are my Top 5.

5. Dora the Explorer.

If I could meet Dora in real life, I would have just one question for her: “WHY ARE YOU FUCKING SHOUTING?!” Seriously, did nobody teach her about using her indoor voice? And if that wasn’t bad enough, the bi-lingual irritant then starts shouting at me in spanish. Not that I have a problem with spanish, but it’s bad enough when she shouts in a language that I can understand, let alone one I can’t. Do us a favour, Dora, take a fricking chill pill, find your internal volume control and ask your mate, the BackPack, to think of a less irritating song. Ta.

4. Show Me, Show Me.

If there’s one thing that is sure to make me despise a children’s TV show, it’s the wide-eyed patronisation of its viewers, the assumption that most kids are dribbling morons and only understand one-syllable words. Meet Chris and Pui. They fart around with stuffed animals for 30 minutes in their playroom (why do two grown ups have a playroom full of pre-school toys?) and treat your kid like a moron. And if that wasn’t bad enough, Pui was the actor inside Teletubby Po.

3. Mister Maker

Mister Maker is exactly the type of show I would have loved when I was a kid. As an adult, I despite Mister Maker and the whole premise of the show. Some fat cat at the BBC said “I know, let’s make a show which teaches children how to make rubbish, generic ‘art’, based on the assumption that every family has it in their budget to buy £50 of craft materials a week and saves every empty container that ever passes through the house. And to make it even better, we’ll front it with the worlds’ most irritating presenter. It’s sure to be a hit!” The bloke who plays Mister Maker, Phil Gallagher, appears to have gone to the Dustin Diamond school of acting, as his idea of being ‘down with the kids’ is to talk as though his voice is breaking and he has an unfortunate facial palsy.

2. Grandpa in my Pocket.

I can’t even begin to explain how ridiculous the premise of this show is. Basically, Grandpa, (played by James Bolam who, frankly, I thought would know better) lives with his Grandson, and owns a magical shrinking cap which allows him to shrink down and get into all sorts of magical scrapes, because as well as allowing him to shrink, this magical cap also allows him to turn ordinary toys into working vehicles. The other inhabitants of the village are generally involved, including Mr. Liker Biker, played by none other than Mister Maker himself, who acts as though he was dropped on his head as a baby, and an inventor who is clearly senile. It really is the worst kind of crap, and for some inexplicable reason, no one else must know about the shrinking cap, so every single poxy episode revolves around the irritating kids trying to cover up for his granddad.  YAWN.

1. The Bopps.

If it’s ageing musicians with no conversation skills your kids are after then tune into The Bopps. These ill-advised fuckwits, who inexplicably cannot talk, but have no trouble with singing (although I say no trouble, it’s no trouble if you like the sound of a bag of cats being swung against a wall) march around, getting themselves into minor scrapes wearing strange multicoloured satin versions of a  Beatles-esque uniform and singing songs which seemingly have no relation to any theme of the show. The female singer, who wears satin pedal pushers *shivers*, has a mouth like a cats bumhole from what has obviously been a long love affair with the fags and the other three look like geography teachers with the shittest hair you’ve ever seen. Even Sausage shouts “OH NO, NOT THE BOPPS” when it comes on telly.

UPDATE

I can’t let this post go without giving an honorable mention to the bedtime song on Nick Jr, The Jimmer Jammers. I won’t go into detail about the hideously off-key singing, the children who look strangely possessed, or the set which wouldn’t look wholely out of place in Beetlejuice, I’ll just let you see for yourself.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmaD6HXefa8]

So there you have it, that’s my list, now it’s your turn, what makes your blood boil? For the rest of this weeks Listography entries, click on the link below.
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21 thoughts on “Listography – Five Kids Shows Which Make Me Want to Stick a Hot Poker in My Eyes and Ears.

  1. ….I wonder what your thoughts are on the new Rastamouse program CBeebies are showing? I’m not sure I want my kids learning ‘teething’ for stealing and ‘wicked man’ for that’s cool! But hey, it might just be me

    1. Hmm, this is a very tricky one for me. I heard the advert on TV the other day, my ears pricked up when I heard “Wa’Gwan Mr. President”, and my immediate thought was “Oh, how inappropriate!”. But the I gave it some more thought and came to a different conclusion. When most people hear a Jamaican accent, we seem to equate it with something negative, but would you be so shocked if it was another language, a German mouse, for instance?

      Jamaican pattois may have been corrupted by annoying children from middle-class english families to make them sound ‘tough’, but it’s a legitimate language, regardless of anything else. I’ve not seen the whole show, but I’m fairly certain there are no gun-toting Yardies in it, in the same way that the American shows our kids watch don’t feature Bloods and Crips. There’s good and bad everywhere, and as for your kid not saying “wicked man”, I don’t think that’s an exclusively ‘rastamouse’ expression, and lets face it, and irish person would say ‘teeving’ for ‘thieving’ too.

      That’s just my opinion anyway.

  2. Oh I agree with Grandpa In My Pocket that show is hideous I hate it. It just takes up a waste of viewing time for a half decent show in my opinion xx

  3. Who are The Bopps? Don’t like Granpa in my pocket either.Dora we haven’t in a while but the other two my 2 yo will sit and watch so I can get on do stuff.I must do this.I did the celebrity one

  4. LOl great post! I have never seen The Bopps and I know of Dora but have never had to see it
    Although show me show me presenters are naff, I like the contact of the show me programme, as it reminds me of Playschool when I was very young.
    mister Maker is soooooo annoying with his googley eyes and what not! Grandpa in my Pocket is awful i agree, just ridiculous story lines.

    1. Oh god Mister Makers voice is like nails down a blackboard, and the voice that Pui does when she has to dress up as Bo Peep makes me die a little inside. Quite like Chris though, or as my Husband once called him, Gay Chris (though I think he’s married with kids!).

  5. Love it!! Can’t believe Mr. Maker is taking such a pasting (ha ha). Totally with you on 1 and 2 – at what point did the TV execs think a shrinking Grandpa was a good idea…?

  6. I’m just getting fed up with seeing so many old favourites now done in really cheap CGI. What I don’t get is that today’s kids were not around when the shows were on the first time so why not just re-run the old cartoon versions? Even Babar the Elephant is now in CGI, and Winnie the Pooh and Thomas the Tank Engine and countless others. They’ve lost all their magic 🙁

    1. If those cartoons have left you disillusioned, dont EVER watch Postman Pat SDS…he actually has a delivery HELICOPTER.

      Serious bastardisation of something that should never have been changed.

      And the theme tune is shocking!

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